How to Let go of Past Hurts
1/ Express Yourself – Express the pain or hurt you feel, whether it’s directly to the person involved, or through just getting it out of your system (vent to a friend, write it in a diary, or write them a letter that you’ll never send).
Many people find the ‘empty chair technique’ a good way of expressing feelings of past hurt. This is a talk therapy exercise often used by psychologists in which you express your thoughts and feelings as if you were talking to a person. Even though that person is not present, you direct your words and gestures at an empty chair and imagine that person sitting in it while you talk.
The person you want to talk to may be deceased, far away, or you may not want to be face-to-face with them, but it can still help to tell them about the hurt they caused and how you feel as if they were sitting there.
Whatever method you choose, get it out of your system once and for all, including what you wish you had done or said differently.
2/ Commit to ‘Letting Go’ – Make a definite decision to let it go. If you have written a letter about how you feel, put it in an envelope, seal it and consciously put it away in a drawer. Make the decision to stop talking and thinking about the person or situation and vow to stop devoting your precious mental energy and emotions to a situation or to a person who you feel has wronged you in the past?
If you allow yourself to continuously go over details in your head, re-live situations and feelings, you will self-sabotage any efforts to move on.
Making a conscious decision to let go also means accepting you have the choice and the power to let it go. And it’s entirely your choice – you can hold on to the pain, or live a future life without it.
It’s your decision whether to continue to feel the hurt, or welcome joy back into your life.
3/ Stop being the victim – Take responsibility for your own happiness. Stop letting another person or situation control your life and your feelings. Why let the person who hurt you have such power, right here, right now and in the future.
You can’t change the past, you can only change how you allow it to affect you — continue to feel and upset and sorry for yourself because of another person’s actions, or to start feeling strong and good about yourself and your life.
4/ Focus on The Present — When you focus on the here and now, you have less time to think about the past. When past memories creep into your consciousness (as they are bound to do from time to time), acknowledge them for a moment. Then bring yourself gently back into the present.
Some people find it easier to do this with an affirmation, such as saying to yourself: “That was the past. I won’t allow myself to feel or be treated that way again. Now I’m in control of my own life and happiness.”
Another good mantra is a saying by Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung: “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
5/ Decide to Forgive – While we are unlikely to ever forget someone or something that has caused us hurt, almost everyone deserves forgiveness.
But forgiveness isn’t saying, “I agree with what you did.” Instead, it’s saying, “I don’t agree with what you did, and I won’t ever forget it. But I want to move forward in my life and welcome joy back into it. I can’t do that fully until I let this go. For this reason only, I forgive you.”
When you forgive, you aren’t doing it for the other person, you’re doing it for yourself. If for no other reason than that, forgive and let go.
6/ Ask for Help if You Can’t Cope – Many people have great difficulty getting over past hurt and this can have a serious impact on their mental health. If you feel unable to cope with, and get over the pain, it’s important to seek professional help.
Speak to your GP, or if you don’t want to do this, contact a support group or mental health charity such as: www.aware.ie Tel: Freephone 1800 80 48 48 (available 7 days, 10am-10pm), or call The Samaritans free 24/7 from any phone on 116 123, even a mobile without credit.