Difficult issues and dilemmas

What to do if you don’t like your child’s friends or your partner’s parenting style. Are your parents interfering? Are you worried your child is becoming a bully? These are just a few of the parenting issues we don’t like talking about. WW starts the conversation …

I Don’t Like my Child’s Friends

Chances are you are going to dislike at least one of your child’s friends, sometimes for no reason, but this is a situation where you have to tread very carefully. The best thing you can do for your child is to help them navigate their friendships, rather than taking control of them. Here’s some advice.

Never admit it

Unless there’s a very good reason (eg. illegal or aggressive behaviour), don’t tell your child that you don’t like their friend or friends. Most kids are naturally rebellious, so if there’s a sure way to make a friend seem more attractive and fun, it’s a parent saying that they don’t like them. Also, never enthuse about someone you think is a companion as that will be the kiss of death for that friendship.

It’s not about you 

Maybe you don’t like your child’s friend because you don’t like their parents. This can result in an unreasonable dislike, so put your own feelings aside. Remember, during childhood, friends are often made and dropped in an instant. Children grow up and change very fast and friends you are not keen on now, can turn out to be model teenagers, and that lovely child you hoped would be a lifelong friend for your little one, can grow up into a nightmare adolescent.

Be wary, but careful 

If your dislike is based on something serious and harmful, such as dangerous or bad behaviour, you should do something – but do it carefully. Never interfere directly and chastise your child’s friend. This could make your child feel embarrassed and it might mean that in future they don’t tell you things in case you make the situation worse. Instead, discreetly speak to the child’s parents or a school teacher about your concerns and talk to your own child about their friend’s behaviour and explain why it is wrong. Get into the habit of having regular chats with your child about friends and friendships, so that if they ever feel under pressure to join in the bad behaviour, or they have fallen out with someone, they know they can confide in you.

My Partner is a Bad Parent

Raising a child is one of the most difficult tasks you can undertake in life. This can be especially tricky when you feel your partner’s style of parenting is far removed from your own.  So what can you do if you think your other half is getting it wrong?

Don’t tell them off

As frustrating as it is to watch your partner do things you disapprove of, when it comes to raising your children, don’t tell them off – no matter how angry you are. Let things calm down and then have a relaxed conversation about your differing parenting styles. Strict bedtimes might be hugely important for one parent, while table manners could be non-negotiable for the other. Allow each other equal time to speak and remember you both have equal authority over what way your children are raised. Discuss and set mutually agreeable rules for things such as bedtimes, pocket money, homework times, chore allocation, confectionery consumption, what time the kids have to be in at night etc. If you set basic family rules together, and adhere to them, arguments and tensions over other parenting decisions are less likely to flare.

 Accept compromise

You may believe that your way of parenting is the right way, but in a partnership, you have to be prepared to compromise. Have lots of casual ‘What would we do in this situation?’ discussions about handling discipline and behaviour issues. Talk about how you would each react to contentious child-rearing and family problems and try to work out an advance strategy of dealing with things that both of you will be happy with.

Don’t undermine each other

While few couples are always in synch with their parenting styles, it’s important that your relationship allows for each of you to feel heard, and to know that your point of view is respected If one parent is trying to enforce something and the other overturns it or ignores the consequences, it can cause big problems. When parents are not on the same page, children learn to work the system – they pit one parent against the other for their own benefit.

Our Parents are Interfering 

Grandparents love doling out parenting advice and although not all of it is bad, they can sometimes overstep the mark. Here's some tips on how to hold your ground without falling out.

Remember they mean well

If you feel your own parents or in-laws have been stepping on your toes regarding your children, always remember that they have the best intentions. Like all of us, they might make mistakes or be unaware of boundaries they’re crossing. Perhaps they feel unsure of what you want or don’t want from them. Let them know how they can be helpful to you. Make them feel included, important and needed.

Be tactful, but honest

Let grandparents know when they have over-stepped the mark, such as giving you unsolicited parenting direction or advice. Tell them in a friendly way, “I appreciate your expertise. I will definitely ask you if I need help.” Or: “I know you may see it differently, but I’d appreciate you following the way I do it on this one.” Then continue the conversation and explain why you want to do things your way. Keep the tone respectful and friendly, to avoid animosity. Another useful phrase is: “I really appreciate your concern or your worry and I’ll give it some thought, but for now, I’m comfortable with the way I’m doing things.”

When boundaries are crossed

There will be times when grandparents will do things that you’re really not happy about such as allowing your child to have sweets before dinner, staying up till all hours, or buying them whatever they want when out and about. If their actions are undermining your ability to parent, it's time to have a serious conversation. Although you want to be clear about your boundaries, you don't want to harm the relationship, so sit down calmly and explain that while you know they mean well, it's important to you and your partner that they support and abide by your way of parenting. Don’t be confrontational, but do state your boundaries and make sure that they know you love them and appreciate all that they do for you and your children.

My Child is Becoming a Bully

If you suspect your child might be becoming a bully, you may be at a loss about what steps to take. It’s important to remain calm and not react in anger or frustration. Bullying is a behaviour, not a personality type, so it can be resolved.

Talk to them

Have a long talk with your child. Calmly ask them about incidents you may have witnessed and any you have been told about, and get their side of the story. It’s important that your child knows that their behaviour is wrong, but do not go in angry or they may shut off. Ask how they felt at the time, what led up to the incidents and how they could have been avoided. Talk about the feelings of the person who has been bullied and ask your child how they think they would be feeling. Get them to imagine being the victim and explain to them the impact of bullying and how it can cause long term issues.  Be very clear that you love them but that this behaviour has to stop. Reducing access to gadgets or stopping pocket money until the bullying stops is a good idea, so your son or daughter knows there are consequences to their behaviour.

Find the cause

Changes or difficulties in a child's life can be behind negative behaviour. Has there been a bereavement, divorce, or conflict? Maybe they have experienced bullying, or want to belong in a certain friendship group. They may have unresolved feelings due to an upset or emotional issue which needs addressing. It’s important to find the root cause of their bullying behaviour and help them find another way to deal with this, whether through counselling, support or an activity where they help others. 

Encourage kindness 

Encourage your child to make changes within themselves. Ask them to always think about others’ feelings and reactions. Teaching them about empathy and kindness may help. Even if they are not interested in hearing this, some of it may still go in. Ask them to treat others the way they would like to be treated.