Seven sex myths...busted

My vulva is ugly

“There is a strong idea among young women that vulvas are ugly,” says Daly. “It’s a phobic response that comes from years of shaming around vaginas and it has such a strong effect on how they are sexually. There is a shyness and protection that filters into the sexual act. In couples therapy, often she will hear her partner say lovingly and impassionately, ‘I love it, it’s so beautiful,’ but they aren’t able to receive it. The way to overcome it is a ‘flooding’ of sorts. You spend time with your vagina, looking at it and gradually desensitising yourself to the look of it.” 

My sex drive shouldn’t be stronger than my husband’s

“In medieval times, women were considered to have the stronger sex drive and failing to satisy a woman’s sexual needs was grounds for divorce. The myth that men’s sex drive is stronger than women’s has denied them permission to have a strong libido and for it to be important to them in relationships. Women are expected to hold the emotional strand of the relationship.” Daly points out that that desire for sex varies from person to person, for both men and women, and can wax and wane depending on the time in their lives or even in their hormonal cycle. 

He is only after one thing“I learned during tantric training that for women to be interested in sex, they need a level of safety and a sense of being desired and wanted. This will open a woman’s heart, and an open heart opens the vagina. For men, their heart opens through sexual intercourse, so at the moment of orgasm in penetrative sex, a man’s heart will burst open, and this can happen even if it’s casual sex. For that moment, the connection they get during sex is what they are looking for.”

I can’t satisfy my partner if I need toys

“There is a sense that it isn’t real sex if you are using toys, or that you are a failure. It’s a prudishness and a belief that everything should be completely natural, when in fact using a vibrator can help to restore elasticity of the vaginal walls and can help with penetration.”

My sex drive will dry up during menopause

“For some women, the drop in oestrogen and the resulting higher levels of testosterone can lead to an increase in your desire. For other women, the libido becomes a pulse. It’s easy to feel that because you don’t have lust like you used to, you don’t have lust at all. It is just simmering at a lower level, it’s still there, you just need to go and find it.” Daly suggests reigniting the flame of desire through sensual touch or play. Massaging each other with oils, showering or bathing together, and of course, kissing and cuddling. “It may not be as quick and people can give up. In long term relationships, couples are used to each other and that can make it feel like a chore. Use this as a time to learn more about interacting with each other, there is more to sex than penetration and you still have the capacity to orgasm. And don’t forget to use lashings of lube, your body doesn’t provide it any more and the sensitivity of your skin means it requires way more.”

Masturbation is only for single people

“There is this idea that masturbation is only for people who aren’t having sex with a partner, that it’s a poor man’s sex, and that it’s just to relieve a need. I prefer the term self-pleasuring. To spend time being erotic with yourself is a vital part of self-love and self-exploration. Your capacity to bring yourself sexually into a relationship is about knowing yourself sexually.” It’s also something that can be done with a partner, she says. “It can be experienced as shameful if your partner catches you, that you are excluding the other person. Instead you can use it to bring yourself sexually together, that both of you can be masturbating and witnessing.” 

It isn’t really sex if you don’t orgasm

“Taking orgasm and penetration out of the mix can create an exciting vibrancy in sex. The 20-second hug is a great tool to generate oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and to use your body as a way to increase togetherness. Where people have stopped being physical with each other, other than sex, it creates a simple non-confrontational connection that works on so many different levels, it’s a destressor. It’s a full-body hug against your partner, head on each other’s shoulders, breathing and holding for a good 20 seconds, twice a day. You need to do it consistently.”