The Five Stages of Grief
Grief is a natural response to loss and bereavement. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.
People don’t always grieve in the same way – not everyone will cry or feel sad. Grief is different for everyone, and people process it in different ways.
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the ‘five stages of grief’. These stages were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but they also apply to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.
Not everyone will experience all five stages, or even go through them in the order below. And there is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.
There is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving process is as individual as our lives.
1/ Denial – “This can’t be happening to me.”
Immediately after a loss, it can be hard to accept what has happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing it, or even deny the truth. It’s not unusual to pretend the loss or change isn’t happening.
Denial gives you time to gradually absorb the news and begin to process it. This is a common defence mechanism and helps numb you to the intensity of the situation.
However, as you move out of this stage, the emotions you’ve been hiding will begin to rise. You’ll be confronted with a lot of sorrow, but that’s also part of the journey.
2/ Anger – “Who is to blame?”
Where denial is a coping mechanism, anger is a masking effect – hiding the emotion and pain that you are feeling. Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful.
If you’ve lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died. You feel the need to blame someone for what has happened.
As the anger subsides, you will begin to think more rationally about what has happened and allow yourself to feel the emotions you’ve been ‘masking’.
3/ Bargaining – “Make this not happen, and in return I will ...”
During grief, you may feel vulnerable and helpless and it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event.
In the bargaining stage of grief, you start creating a lot of “what if” and “if only” scenarios.
It’s not uncommon for those who are religious to try to make a deal or promise to God or a higher power in return for healing or relief from the grief and pain.
Bargaining is a line of defence against the emotions of grief. It helps you postpone the sadness, confusion, or hurt.
4/ Depression – “I don’t know how to go forward from here.”
Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot, feel emotionally unstable and choose to isolate yourself from others in order to fully cope with your loss.
Like the other stages of grief, depression can be difficult and messy. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel foggy, heavy, and confused.
If you feel unable to move past this stage, talk to your GP, a mental health expert, or contact a bereavement support group or charity. A medical professional or counsellor will be able to help you work through this stage and learn to cope.
5/ Acceptance – “I’m at peace with what has happened.”
Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief. It doesn’t mean you’ve moved on. It just means that you’ve accepted what has happened.
But that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you.
As we move through life, these memories become more and more integral to defining the people we are.