Agony Aunt

I JUST CAN’T BE BOTHERED ANY MORE

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but my work is going downhill and I can’t concentrate on anything. Working from home means I’ve had days when I just stay in bed, and although I’ve been telling my boss I have ‘women’s problems’, I think he’s getting suspicious.
The truth is, I just simply can’t be bothered about work or about anything actually, and I spend a lot of time in tears for no reason. My husband wants me to talk to the doctor but it’s always so difficult to get an appointment and I don’t want to waste his time when there is nothing he can do for me.
I know I have just got to pull myself back together.
G. R.

FIONA SAYS: PLEASE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR
Please talk to your doctor. You certainly wouldn’t be wasting their time, and there might be a great deal that can be done to help.
There are lots of reasons why you might be feeling like this and struggling with concentration and motivation – you are certainly not alone and please don’t beat yourself up.
You don’t say how old you are, but might you be going through the menopause? This would certainly explain some of your symptoms, especially brain-fog, which a great many women experience before and during menopause.
If that’s not the cause, then it sounds like you could be experiencing some depression. Of course, you’d need to speak with your doctor to get a proper assessment and for any diagnoses to be made, but even mild depression can cause people to lose interest in things and struggle with concentration and motivation to face the day.
When you are depressed, being told by anyone else – or even telling yourself – to ‘pull yourself together’ isn’t the answer. Huge numbers of people have become depressed during this pandemic – you are not alone, and you can be helped, so please talk to your GP.
As well as that, although it might not always seem like it, there’s good evidence that little daily actions can really help. Things like getting outside for a daily walk – for fresh air, nature and movement, avoiding too much alcohol and eating a balanced diet. These things might not be the whole answer, but they could play an important part in supporting your wellbeing.

I’M ENGAGED BUT CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MY EX
I have recently got engaged but instead of being happy, I cannot stop thinking about my first boyfriend. We’ve had no contact in years and the relationship wasn’t even that good anyway, so why can’t I get past this?
At a time when I should be concentrating on my fiancé and looking forward to our wedding, all my thoughts are for my very first boyfriend. I think I’m crazy but why can’t I forget this man?
N. Y.

FIONA SAYS: THIS IS COMPLETELY NATURAL
Everyone’s first love leaves powerful memories, so I’d be surprised if you were ever able to completely forget this man.
It’s not unnatural, when you enter what you hope will be a permanent relationship, to be thinking about past loves. It’s all part of the process of reassuring yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Try to relax and realise that all you are doing is making comparisons to be certain you are happy with what you’ve now got, and simply to reflect on what’s come before.
Don’t try to wipe these memories, they form a part of your past and relate to things that have made you the person you are now. Once you see them for what they are, I am sure you’ll soon be able to stop worrying and appreciate your fiancé even more.

HOW CAN I HELP MY DAUGHTER MOVE ON FROM DIVORCE?
My 24-year-old daughter doesn’t seem to be getting over her divorce last year. It was a messy affair, and a lot of awful things were said, so as she was suffering badly, she moved back to us and rented out her flat.A year on, she shows no sign of wanting her home back or of getting on with her life. She’s working but she stays in every evening, and if I suggest that she should go out and start mixing with people again, she accuses me of trying to get rid of her or gets angry.That’s not the case at all, but I do want her to be happy and I don’t know how to help her.

C. L.

FIONA SAYS: LOVE AND SUPPORT IS ALL YOU CAN REALLY GIVE
I’m sorry she’s having a hard time – you clearly love and care for her very much. However, these things do take time and it sounds like she’s really not ready yet. A year is not really that long.
Being supportive and offering gentle encouragement – but only where it’s welcome – is something she may really appreciate. But keep in mind that you can’t make her do what she’s not ready to do, without possibly making her even more unhappy.
She’s clearly not ready yet and, as you’ve found, resents any pressure in this direction. She’ll know when she’s ready, so do follow her lead on that. There is no rule that says she should be ‘back out there’ after a certain length of time. Divorce hurts, even when partners can separate amicably, and it can also have a long-term effect on confidence too.
Also, it’s important to consider the pandemic too. Going out and mixing with people simply is not as practical or possible as it usually is anyway.
If you are genuinely happy for her to stay with you, all you can do for the moment is continue to provide love and support until she feels ready to move on.

MY FAMILY TAKE EVERYTHING I DO FOR GRANTED
I am a busy, overworked and increasingly angry housewife. I’m the only person in the family who has been holding down a job over the past nine months or so while the rest of family does nothing to help.
We have three teenage children who seem totally self-absorbed. They seem to think food, clean clothes and a warm place to sleep are acts of modern magic that simply appear for their benefit.
I blame my husband for this as he seems quite content for me to provide all of this, even though I’m the one working. I’m angry and depressed and finding it increasingly difficult to motivate myself.
Yesterday I sat around the house all day in a dirty T-shirt and shorts and did nothing but watch TV. My family just carried on as usual and, when they realised I’d not cooked any supper, rather than offer to help, my husband ordered a take-away. How do I get their attention, and get them motivated?
Z. V.

FIONA SAYS: SPEAK TO YOUR FAMILY AND SHARE OUT REPSONSIBILITIES
You don’t say if your family has always been like this or if it’s just a result of the pandemic.
That is no reason for them taking you for granted though, but it does affect how you deal with it.
If, in the past, they’ve taken their turns at helping, it’s possible they’re all struggling and feeling depressed by the current situation.
If that’s the case then, however upset you are, you are going to have to treat them gently.
Depression can make people very self-absorbed and although you are carrying the load right now, they may need help to recognise the fact.
If, on the other hand, they’ve always been allowed to get away without helping, I think you are going to have to be quite assertive to get them to change their ways. Whichever way this has happened, I suggest you start with your husband. Tell him how you are feeling and make sure he understands that you’re finding it all too much. Hopefully, you can motivate him to start helping at least a little.
I would then encourage you to try and arrange a family talk and explain to your teenagers how they are making you feel. Suggest that, to avoid the very real risk of you giving way to depression and illness, they should all take responsibility for a fair share of work around the house.
I’d like to hope that this will be the wake-up call they need, although you may have to help them initially by organising timetables and a cleaning rota.
Whilst they are certainly taking you for granted right now, it’s possibly because they see you as the strong one, who is carrying on whilst the rest are falling apart.
They need to understand you are vulnerable too so, if they resist helping, I think you will have to resort to stronger tactics.
You’ve hit upon a good one already – stop doing all the things they’ve grown used to you doing. Instead, only do those things that you WANT to do for your own benefit; wash only your only clothes, clean your own room and prepare your own food.

It may take a while for them to wake up, but hopefully this will convince them you are serious about this and that you need to pull together as a family.
I’m also acutely aware, though, that some men – and probably some teenagers too – simply won’t care.
An over-flowing rubbish bin, a dirty toilet and unwashed clothes may not bother them as they would bother you, so leaving things undone may make you feel like you’re suffering even more.
So, stopping doing things needs to be combined with an effort to educate them into understanding that a clean, healthy happy home requires an emotional commitment by everyone living in it!

SHOULD I APOLOGISE TO AN EX?
Last week I bumped into an old boyfriend of mine who I’ve not seen since I dumped him six years ago.
I felt really embarrassed; I was awful and dumped him publicly in front of his mates.
He seemed to have forgotten all about it and just chatted away, telling me he’d just moved back after being away and that he was looking to meet up with old friends again.
All I could think of was how badly I’d treated him, so I left in a hurry.
The silly thing is, I’ve not been able to forget about our meeting and wonder if this means I’m still attracted to him.
I’m married now and until this meeting I’ve not questioned my love for my husband.
Should I try and meet my old boyfriend and apologise?
O. L.

FIONA SAYS: SOMETIMES IT’S BEST TO JUST MOVE ON
In an ideal world it would be nice to apologise to anyone we’ve hurt in the past, but I’m not sure this is practical or how it would be understood.
He seems to have moved on quite happily and perhaps you should do the same.
Re-establishing contact with this man now you’re married carries some risk, especially if you think there may still be some attraction there.
I think it’s far more likely that seeing him again has brought back an unpleasant memory and you’re feeling guilty about the way you dumped him.
If you do meet up again, be polite, but please don’t read too much into this.

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