Dear Mel,

I am living in a sex-free zone and not by choice!

My husband and I are in our early 50’s and until last year, we had the house to ourselves. Our children, both in their early 20’s are at college and they were living in rented accommodation near the university. We were paying for the accommodation and once it became clear they were going to be studying online, we suggested they return home to save us the cost. That all seemed like a good idea at the time. What we had underestimated was having two grown-ups living with us all the time. Our home which I always thought was a comfortable size now feels too small for four adults in lockdown. Prior to this the most either child had spent at home in the last few years was a couple of nights. The adjustment has been difficult for all of us and I feel the children, though both of adult age, have regressed. They are treating living at home as if it is a hotel. I find myself lecturing them on all the things that irked me when they were younger, leaving shoes on the stairs, leaving lights on, doors open etc. I know this is petty but it’s just so hard to ignore when we have not lived together for a while. The biggest interruption is to our sex life. My husband and I have always enjoyed each other and when we were on our own, we spiced things up a bit and did not confine ourselves to the bedroom. We had got into the habit of having a ‘quickie’ in the kitchen if the mood took us or in the living room after a bottle of wine. This liberation had done wonders for our relationship and we had rediscovered all the reasons we love each other, it was almost as if we did not have children. That has all changed and my husband is lucky if I am ever in the mood. I feel so tense and exhausted from dealing with the children being home all the time. I do not know how to fix this as there is no sign of normal life or college attendance resuming. The kids cannot leave the house to stay with friends or go on holiday. They are equally frustrated perhaps not having the freedom and independence they were used to. I feel like it will never end. I want things with my husband to go back to how they were, but I just do not know how. 

Rebecca

Dear Rebecca

I do sympathise, it sounds almost like roles have reversed and you and your husband are the teenagers interrupted by the adults. All is not lost, there are some simple changes you can implement very quickly and easily that will improve if not completely resolve the situation. 

It sounds like you and your husband brought a lot of spontaneity into your intimacy. There must be times when your kids are distracted by TV/PlayStation/exercise. I am assuming there is some routine if they are studying online. Choose these times to text your husband even if he is sitting beside you and suggest a destination in five minutes. That way you are introducing spontaneity again. Perhaps your husband will text you another time. I am sure you have a lock on your bedroom door, and I doubt your children are looking for you every five minutes. You could also introduce date nights where you tell your children to vacate the living room giving you and your husband space to snuggle together in front of a movie. The important thing to remember is that it is your home, and you have the power to introduce a routine, a set time for walks for instance would give you an hour most mornings maybe. Discuss some house rules with your children about the things that are irritating you whilst perhaps chilling out about things that are not all that important. They are adults after all and you should not be picking up after them. If you approach them as adults, you will get a better response. You could suggest a rota for cleaning/cooking (they must have had some structure if they were renters). That way everything does not fall on you, and who knows they might enjoy it. Hopefully in the next few months our world will return to some normality, but meantime, try to do the things that bring you joy and don’t sweat the small stuff. 

Mel