Mary Byrne is back on form after a terrible start to pandemic life. She talks to Carissa Casey about her painful relapse into suicidal depression, what it taught her and how she’s now found a whole new lease of life.

Few of us have found living with Covid 19 easy but for actor/singer and much loved National Treasure, Mary Byrne, it coincided with one of the darkest periods she has ever experienced. She had started to come off anti-depressants, a move that her doctor didn’t recommend but one which Mary herself was keen to take.

“I felt I was strong enough, I suppose,” she says. “I thought I could do without them.”

So as the country went into the first lockdown, Mary found herself isolated, anxious and, eventually, in a state of utter despair.

“It hit me like a ton of bricks. I just remember feeling like I had a hole in my stomach, an emptiness that I couldn’t fill no matter what I did. My mind was racing all the time. I was crying for no reason. I started to miss my mother and father again and they’re gone years,” she recalls.

More worryingly she began thinking about harming herself. “I started to feel like I was worthless,” she says. “I’d look at my daughter and I’d feel so guilty for feeling that way because she needs me. She couldn’t understand what was going on. I was so afraid that I’d catch the disease or that my daughter would bring it in the house.”

Salvation came by way of a near stranger. “The person I think saved by life was the woman in the chemist. Her name is Ramona. On the day that I was thinking of doing something silly to myself, I remember walking down the road looking over towards the chemist. Something dragged me over there to that girl. She was behind the counter and I just burst into tears. She brought me in to the little room at the back. She spoke to me with most gentle of voices and told me I was okay and that I’d get through this.”

Mary went back to her doctor who increased her medication and slowly, over a period of about six months, she climbed out of that dark pit.

“It was such a turbulent time in my life that I never want to go back to and never will,” she says. “My daughter was a great help. She got me out walking again, staying away from people, but walking every day. That was my lifesaver. I started listening to music again and audio books but it took a long time before I felt I was back on an even keel.”

To climb out of a depression amid all the fears of the pandemic is no small achievement. Like many of us Mary was dealing with several worries at once. Work dried up. Her sister, who has dementia, is in a nursing home and Mary is unable to visit her. Most of all, for someone who is so obviously a people person, the need to keep her distance from others isn’t easy.

“I’m a hugger. I love hugging people. It gives me such a warm and good feeling. I cannot wait until the day comes when I walk up to someone and say ‘come here’ and give them a hug,” she says.

“I did a few charity dos when things opened up a bit but they were all still socially distant and it just didn’t feel right. The people were miles away from you.”

But the woman who stole our hearts belting out songs on X-Factor while still working at the local Tesco supermarket, has never lost perspective. “There are families out there who have lost loved ones and my predicament isn’t as bad as them but I still want to hug someone,” she says.

In fact grief came to her close circle of friends when the husband of her manager and best friend succumbed to lung cancer in November. “Three years he fought it with every breath that he had. Then he went into the hospice for a rest and he ended up passing away. They’d young kids. It’s so hard and I have such sympathy for families who lost someone this past year. None of us could show them the love that they needed.”

Nine months on from that bleak afternoon when she found herself sobbing in despair in her local Chemists, Mary is back on form. 

“This whole experience has made me realise that I’m a very strong girl. I can face any challenge that anyone wants to throw at me. Whether I can beat it or not, I don’t know but at least I’ll give it a try. That’s what I have found. My positivity is so high at the moment. I’m floating with confidence. I have lots of love that I want to give out to everyone. I promise myself that when everything gets back up and running, I am going to take on challenges, no matter what they are. I’m going to face them and I’m going to enjoy every one of them.”

Her attitude to caring for her own mental health and antidepressants has shifted. “We need to leave any stigma associated with depression back in 2020 along with the stigma around taking antidepressants,” she says. “Antidepressants work for many of us and some of us need to take them on pretty much a permanent basis.”

“I’m going down slowly from the high level of anti-depressants that the doctor put me back on when I was badly depressed. I’m nearly at the low end now and I’ll stay on that for the rest of my life. They can shove me in a box or burn me but I’ll be going with the anti-depressants.”

She’s still not sure why she was so determined to come off them early last year. “I ask myself, why did  you try that? What antidepressants do for me is help me be the person I want to be, to be the person I am. I think I’m a very strong girl for making the decision to stay on them this time.”

She’s also more passionate than ever about encouraging Irish men and women to open up about their mental health challenges. “I think every woman, man and child need to know that we can get through this stuff. These demons can be fought. We can live in silence for the rest of our lives and it doesn’t work. We need to talk about it. We need to say how we’re feeling. We need to cry and we need to laugh. We need to know we are strong people and we can get through things if we just get help. Talking about it is one of the most powerful things we can do.”

“I’ve met a few people who were always very happy. But last year tore them apart and they can’t understand how to deal with it. I tell them go get help. There’s help there.”

Mary has plenty of plans for the future. “I’m hoping to do a country album. I always promised my Dad I’d do a country album. I’m in the middle of putting a few songs together myself. I sing them in to the tape. It’s very funny because my daughter thinks I’m cracking up when she hears me. But as soon as lyrics come to me I put them on the tape. I hope to have about six of my own songs on the new album.”

Mary has written her own songs before and recorded one, co-written with Billy Farrell, for her album, Magic of the Musicals. “It wasn’t great but there’s something lovely about it and I’m very proud of it. So I’m determined to write my own material. Whether it’s good or bad, I’ll put it out there and see what happens.”

Aside from that, she wants to do more stage work and is working with Eillish O’Carroll (Brendan’s sister) on a play, Hello Boys, written by Amanda Brunker. “When the lockdown lifted we did a week’s workshop with Richard Mansworth the young man who’s directing it. That was just brilliant but, of course, it came to a halt with the second lockdown. Myself and Eillish read the script between us using WhatsApp. I’m hoping that’s going to happen in November if everything goes well, please God.”

Like many of us, she found the second lockdown tough going. “I miss swimming. I miss going to the gym,” she says. But this time around she’s coping well. “My mind is as bright as it’s ever been. I’m actually starting to use my intelligence which I was always afraid to do because I didn’t think I was intelligent. That’s how low my self-esteem can be. I still have that but I know too what I’m capable of doing.”

She says the process of learning a script is terrifying for her and she’s still surprised when she manages to do it. “I surprise myself every time I do something that I don’t think I could so and that’s what I want to keep doing for the rest of my life.” 

Most of all Mary wants to get back up on stage and entertain us all. X-Factor have been in touch about the possibility of an all-star show. “I said yep, count me in.” 

She also wants to do a tour of Ireland and the UK. In fact Mary is clear and intends to make the most of any opportunity that comes her way.

“I’m 61 and I don’t believe life should end because you reach a certain age. I think you should keep challenging yourself, putting yourself out there. Yes it’s nerve wrecking and yes it’s frightening but it’s so empowering.”

In the meantime, she’s writing her own songs, working on the play and generally planning to make a major comeback when life gets back to some sort of normality. Given what she’s been through, she is just the tonic we’ll all need when we eventually emerge bleary-eyed into the world again.