Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

I had a fumble with my sister-in-law’s boyfriend

I hope you can help me with a tricky predicament. With Mother’s Day approaching, I am dreading it. The problem is not with my own mother who sadly passed away when I was younger but with my mother-in-law. My husband and I spent Christmas at her house. She lives with her daughter, but my husband is in her bubble to provide extra support when his sister is working.  On Christmas Day, her daughter’s boyfriend was there. They decided to stay over Christmas night and after all the lockdowns of last year we really enjoyed ourselves with plenty of drinks throughout the day. At one point, I was in the kitchen with my sister- in-laws boyfriend and he was openly flirting with me. He is younger than my husband, good looking and has a great personality. He is always the life and soul of a party whereas my husband and I are quite reserved.  I enjoyed the attention, as even though my husband and I have a good relationship, we have been having problems conceiving and it has caused tensions. We have been together for almost 10 years (we met at university). I ended up having a drunken fumble in the utility room with him and as much as it was fun when it happened, I stopped him after a few minutes. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law was in the kitchen when we emerged. We said we were looking for more mixers, she did not appear convinced. We managed to control ourselves for the rest of our stay and I felt so embarrassed the next day. Luckily, they left early so there was no possibility of awkward conversations. I was relieved to get home as my mother-in-law was quite cool with me and I could not wait to get out of there. I have been showering my husband with more affection than usual since then and I know it is because I feel guilty. I do not want to tell him what happened as I think it could cause more tension. He’s enjoying the extra attention and has become more loving towards me. We have made some progress addressing our conception issues and we are hopeful that we can start our family this year. I did not realise how much it was affecting me emotionally until we had addressed it.  My husband wants to stay the weekend of this Mother’s Day with his mum and sister so we can have a few drinks and I am just dreading it. I suspect her boyfriend will turn up at some point. Above all, I do not want my mother-in-law who I have a lot of respect and affection for to suspect me of being unfaithful to her son. I love my husband and we have a great relationship; I see what happened at Christmas as a moment of weakness in a year of high stress.  I am blaming it on drinking too much also and will be pacing myself. Should I talk to my sister in laws boyfriend in advance and tell him it was a mistake and not to put me in that position again or should I leave well enough alone? How do I ensure my mother-in-law and I can continue to have the good relationship I have always enjoyed? I am worried if I confide in her she will be angry and then I will have to tell my husband. I just want everything to be as it was. What should I do? 

Cathy, Co. Donegal

Dear Cathy,

It seems to me that you have punished yourself enough over what was as you say yourself, a drunken fumble. Whilst it is regrettable that it happened, you might not feel so bad if you did not have to consider your mother in laws feelings. Alcohol, as is well documented, causes a lack of inhibition and that, combined with your emotional sensitivity around conception, put you in a vulnerable position. One that your sister in laws boyfriend benefitted from. There were two of you in it though, so I am not saying he was more at fault than you. Apportioning blame is not helpful in this situation.  I think as some time has passed, this Mother’s Day weekend will be a test and one you should be determined to pass with flying colours. There is no doubt your mother-in-law will be looking at you closely and therefore it is up to you to set the tone for your visit. In other words, behave as you always have. You say you will be pacing yourself with your alcohol intake, this is wise. Do not ignore your sister -in-law’s boyfriend but do not be on your own with him either. Be friendly and exchange conversation as usual. I think if you speak to the boyfriend in advance, it will make it into a bigger deal than it was and cause both of you discomfort. Do not forget he probably feels the same as you so if you behave as if it never happened, he too would take his lead from you. I hope all of this will show your mother-in-law that you are to be trusted with her son. I really hope the weekend goes well and everything settles down. I hope you and your husband continue to build on your improved relationship and you are successful in starting your family this year. 

Mel 

Over to you. What would you do in those circumstances? Do you think it is better to be honest and tell her husband and his mother? Let us know what you think and if you have a problem, write to Dear Mel