Dear Mel...

Nightmare Boyfriend

Dear Mel

I have a serious problem and I do not know what to do. Unfortunately, it is all my own fault. I impulsively asked my boyfriend of six months to move in with me last year. Prior to that, he had been staying up to four nights a week and when level five kicked in, it seemed to make sense so we could be in our ‘bubble’. He was sharing a house with two other guys and even though I had been to the house, there was no way I would ever stay there as it was such a mess. I was naive to assume it was the other guys who were responsible for the mess and not my boyfriend. That has become woefully apparent the longer we live together. 

When he moved in first, we had sorted out all the logistics regarding his contribution towards bills, wardrobe space etc. I was so excited for him to move in. I felt it solidified us as a couple and was an important first step towards everlasting bliss. How wrong can a person be! Almost since day one, all the good manners he adopted on his overnight stays disappeared. I find his socks and underwear on the bedroom floor. He uses every towel in the bathroom without thinking of replacing them with dry ones even though the hot press is next door to the bathroom. When he shaves, he does not clean the sink after himself. I feel as if I have gone from seductive girlfriend to being his mother. I ask him to share household chores like hoovering and cleaning floors, but he misses things and I find myself going back over them. He then gets the hump as he takes it as criticism. It is causing a lot of tension. We would have had sex every night before he moved in but that has all but disappeared as I am so fed up with him. He does not seem to understand.  I am no domestic goddess by any means, and I think as I lived alone for so long, I am used to my own space. I also have standards; I really like things to be neat and tidy and above all clean. I feel he is disrespecting me and my home when he cares so little. I could go on all day about the things he does that annoy or irritate me and I hate that about myself. It’s as if our lovely little love bubble has been reduced to arguments about whose turn it is to clean the toilet. 

We both work from home and he does cook quite often, and I do the cleaning up, this is one of the few arrangements that works well. 

He is a lovely guy and we just clicked when we met, we declared our love for each other after a couple of months and he has shown me he loves me in lots of little ways but now I do not think I love him anymore. He is very considerate and thoughtful most of the time.  I feel guilty for asking him to move in so quickly. I do not know how to get out of this situation that I know I have created. What should I do? 

Sharon, Co. Meath

Dear Sharon,

It does sound as if you acted on an impulse and moved your boyfriend in very quickly. It is important to get to know someone well before taking that big step of living together. What I am wondering is if anything would have turned out different if he moved in as soon as he has or in another year from now. Would he have become anymore domesticated? I think you are being quite hard on yourself. You really do need to live with someone to know them properly. Do you feel you do not love him anymore generally or as a direct result of him not being particularly clean or tidy? There is a belief that couples argue about three main things: sex, money, and housework. As much as we have evolved as a species, there seems to still be an assumption that women like doing housework and that they are genetically better at it that men. This is rubbish. If you can train a puppy not to pee on the carpet, you can train a man to clean up after himself. I have no doubt that your boyfriend loves you and wants you to be happy. I feel if you share with him your expectations and offer to show him how to do things properly, you are living together will improve and as a result so will everything else. I would advise you to give that a go before throwing him out on the street. I am sure if you explain to him what you need, he will meet you halfway. 

You mention he cooks a lot, and you clear up. Perhaps make a list of all the chores that need doing and discuss which ones you both like and dislike, maybe you can both end up only doing things you are good at. You say you are both working, and I imagine that brings another layer of discontent, living and working in the same space. That could be contributing to your sense of irritation too. Which is perfectly normal by the way? Make sure you are both taking breaks and getting exercise and fresh air.  Could you offload some of the chores? Send your laundry out to be done maybe? I would absolutely recommend getting a cleaner if you financially afford it and when it’s safe to do so with Covid restrictions. I feel if you can eliminate the boring stuff, you can find time and energy to remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place. If all that fails, then you will have to ask him, as kindly as you can, to find somewhere else to live. It does sound like it is worth trying everything else first. I wish you well.

Mel 

Over to you – what do you think, should Sharon call it a day and ask her boyfriend to move out? Let us know and if you have a problem for Mel, you can contact her at womansway@harmonia.ie