Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

I, like so many others, am so fed up with this latest lockdown but we are all doing what we can to get through it. My problem is that my husband who has always been sporty, has started to do so much exercise you would be forgiven for thinking he was training for the Olympics! I am all for exercise and I was a regular gym goer before Covid. This last year has completely changed my life. I lost my job and I know it doesn’t seem like a big issue but I had to let the cleaner go as I could not justify the expense when I was at home. I have also been home-schooling our three children. So all in all, what was a smooth-running household has become chaotic and I feel I am sinking with all the shopping, cleaning, cooking and child care. 

I am still working full time but without the salary and the sense of fulfilment my job gave me. My husband has carried on without a care in the world. He is working from home some days and in the office on others as his company is operating a staggered attendance. He does not seem to notice that I am carrying the lion share of the household chores as his clothes magically appear laundered and his meals are on the table. He goes for a run on the mornings he is not in the office and he cycles to and from work on the days that he is. He never offers to pick up any groceries on his way home. When he emerges from his office or returns home from work, it’s too late to help with the children. He gets the ‘fun’ parts like watching a movie with them or playing games. I collapse on the sofa every night once the kids are in bed and I cannot tell you how much I live for the large glass of wine that accompanies me. Sometimes I even have two. I feel it’s my reward for the drudgery of my day. Recently my husband has made comments about my lack of exercising and I laughed it off thinking he was joking. According to my tracking device, I am doing more than 10,000 steps a day as I am literally on the go all day. I have not put on weight so when he said it again, I asked him what he meant. He seems to think I can find time in my day for a run or a cycle. I felt annoyed and tried not to lose it with him but couldn’t help mentioning that if he took some of the household chores from me, I would have that time. His response was that he is the only one earning and his work is important. This has not helped to improve my mood.

 He seems to have an increased libido, or he has been secretly taking Viagra and I feel resentful that he thinks I have the energy after a full-on day. I would generally be happy to be intimate with him but it’s as if I have nothing left to give. It is hard to feel in the mood when I am so resentful of our situation. I can feel both of us getting more tense and snappy with each other. I do not know how to fix this. 

Mari, Co. Cork

Dear Mari,

Well, I felt like a lie down after reading your letter. Your frustration and exhaustion are bouncing off the page. I have every sympathy for the situation you describe, and I am glad you have reached out. Clearly this cannot go on as it is. So, it does seem as if you and your husband need to have a bit of a chat. You need to spell out for him how difficult you are finding being at home all the time, ask him for more support in helping more with the children and household chores. As one of my teenagers likes to say to me, ‘I’m not psychic’. I am not defending your husband. Either he genuinely does not realise the impact these changes are having on you and your wellbeing or worse, he is deliberately not acknowledging it in the hope he won’t have to help. Well, it is time for him to step up and help put some balance back in your home life.  I know you said you had to let the cleaner go, is there any way financially you could get her back even for a couple of hours a week to do some of the more mundane chores you really dislike. For me, its ironing. I do not think it is wrong to seek paid help when you are suffocating under the mountain of work generated by your household. You do not mention how old your children are. Is there more that they could be doing for themselves? I realise there is a tendency to put pressure on yourself as the mother and to ensure they are ok, but someone needs to be checking in on you. I do not think there is any harm in an occasional glass of wine but just be careful you are not using alcohol as a crutch. Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, perhaps his suggestion regarding exercise is not down to how you look but about the mental health benefits it brings. It has clearly doing wonders for his. However, he needs to help find a way for you to carve out the time for yourself – to exercise, meditate or just take a break from the house. Perhaps on the days he works from home, he can take a lunch break that involves the children. This would give you an hour to do something just for you. I feel your situation is fixable and it starts with communication. The worst thing any of us do (we all do it) is make assumptions, when really the simplest thing is to seek clarity. Be clear in your own communication so your husband and know how you feel. You need to spend time looking after yourself otherwise your health will suffer. One thing for certain, the Covid-19 restrictions won’t last forever and hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel. The children will return to school, hopefully you will get employment outside the home again and your relationship with your husband will be stronger. 

I wish you well.

Mel 

Over to you. What would you do in the same situation? Or perhaps you can relate to Mari and all the extra household work falling at her feet. Let us know what you think and you can email Mel at: womansway@harmonia.ie