Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

I am hoping you can help me to save my marriage. That may sound dramatic, but I really do not know what to do. Since last year, my main joy in life, if I could call it that, has been online shopping. Admittedly I do spend a couple of hours a day browsing online, and I find it very soothing. I do not always buy things I see but I like a bargain.  It is causing a lot of rows with my husband who has accused me of being a shopaholic and in need of professional help. I am resentful of this accusation as I feel it’s unfair. Let me set the scene pre Covid. We are a family of five and my husband has a good job, well better than good really. We have a wonderful comfortable home and lifestyle. Our children are still of primary school age. My job for the last few years has been full time domestic goddess, and this has transitioned to include home-schooling over the last year. It has been challenging, as it has been for so many and I know we are better off than most. I am very aware of this and consider us fortunate. We had hoped to grow our family to six but sadly, at the beginning of last year, I miscarried. I do not want to dwell on it as I do not think it is the cause of the rows. I am trying to stay busy and positive. Being busy is easy as I do everything in the home and I really do enjoy having a clean and comfortable house, looking after our children and being a loving and supportive wife. All I have wanted in return is the same. However, I feel as if my husband no longer values my contribution. I have had to make a lot of online purchases as the children are constantly growing out of their clothes and shoes and as much as some can be handed down, that does not solve the problem of the eldest. My husband just sees lots of deliveries and even though I have tried to show him the contents, it’s as if he does not believe me. I honestly think I am buying a similar amount to what I would have bought pre covid, perhaps some extras as treats. The difference is that my husband was at work and not preoccupied at home with online deliveries. It’s as if he thinks all this time and effort to clothe our children happens by magic. I have made other purchases for myself but if anything, less than before as its mainly leisure wear. I have even bought my husband shirts and other essentials for work zoom calls. He never asks me to get them, it is simply something I have always done. Its not as if I am spending more money than before the pandemic - I would understand him being upset with me if I were. I have always felt fortunate to have a husband I did not have to hide purchases from or pretend something I was wearing was not brand new like some of my friends. It’s really affecting our relationship and making me so unhappy. I do not know what I can do other than stop shopping completely and see if that resolves the problem. What do you think I should do? 

Sarah, Co. Kildare

Dear Sarah,

I can just feel the wave of frustration and despair emanating from your letter and I am sorry that you are in such distress. All is not lost Sarah, sometimes things become magnified and seem insurmountable and in fact they are not. You gloss over your miscarriage and as much as you seem to believe its not an issue, I wonder if it is a factor. Is it possible that you have stepped up your ‘superwoman’ routine a notch or two as a way of compensating for your loss? Perhaps, it is this that is upsetting your husband? He might see it as your ability to ‘carry on’ as if unaffected when in fact you are grieving on a deep level. It is incredibly normal for us to convince ourselves that we are ‘fine’ and soldier on. My advice? Take a breath Sarah, stop trying to be superhuman and tell your husband you are sad. You are just trying to deal with your grief and give him an opportunity to admit to his own. Yes, you have lots to be grateful for and that is good to hear. It does not mean that you can be unaffected by such a fundamentally human emotion as loss. Perhaps you might consider professional grief counselling for you and your husband. You need some time to make peace with your loss. I also urge you to take a step back from what sounds like a hamster wheel of domesticity. If your children are back at school, set aside some time each day for you. Read a book or watch some TV. Take up mindful meditation, I believe we all need to just stop and be if only for 10 minutes a day. Perhaps go for a walk, simple little steps to distance yourself from the call of the washing machine. You might be unaware of how much distraction you have built into your life. I am not saying you should never shop online again. What I am suggesting is to be more considered in your purchasing. Keep a rolling list of things you need to buy be it clothing, household or food. Then when you need something from the list, have a browse. If this is something that makes you feel better, then do it at the same time but every other day rather than every day. Before you click on pay, save your basket and when you come back to it two days later, that time and space may make you question whether it is essential after all. I would also encourage your husband to buy his own shirts. He is not a child after all, and it might make him realise how time consuming it can be. Your first step should be to talk to him, tell him how you feel, how he is making you feel and to remind him how lucky he is! Then set out your next steps for you both. I honestly believe your life will be better when you take back control of your happiness. 

Best of luck, Mel



If you have a problem for Mel, email her at womansway@harmonia.ie