Happy Ever After

Relationship counsellor Barbara Duff’s new book Happily Ever After aims to help engaged couples prepare for the big day. Carissa Casey tests it out on her fiancé.

We live in a world of glossy Instagram couples, viral proposal videos, bridezillas and  - once lockdown is finally over - weddings that make the Oscars look like an amateur theatre production. So, it’s easy to forget the actual marriage part of the whole wedding thing, the commitment, the practicalities of sharing a life with someone else, the dirty socks on the bedroom floor just a few feet from a perfectly serviceable laundry basket.

Barbara Duff’s new book, Happily Ever After, encourages engaged couples to think about all the stuff that doesn’t show up on social media. Why are you getting married? How much do you really know about yourself? How much do you really know about your partner? What is his problem with using the laundry basket? (Actually that last one is mine.)

It’s pretty basic stuff, but weddings in modern times have become major productions, with the bride and groom as star actors and guests as well dressed walk on extras. Once caught up in what has become the marital industrial complex, it can be hard for couples to shift focus from the fantasy of the event to the reality of what is actually happening. Are they ready to spend the rest of their lives together?

Neither I nor the fella are spring chickens, nor are either of us social media stars or remotely interested in becoming ones. The wedding, once lockdown finally lifts, will be a relaxed shindig, with lots of 80s music and bad dancing. Have we anything to learn from this book?

“What are the three most important reasons for you to get married?” I ask him, as advised by the book.

“To keep you happy,” he responds. And then a moment later, “Do we have to do this now?”

There’s a generation of men, or perhaps there’s a type of man, who just don’t like talking about emotions or relationships. It’s a tendency you need to know and accept before tying the knot. Also there’s a part of me that struggles to answer the same question. Because we’ve been together ages? Because I can’t imagine life without him? Because he makes me laugh? None of these things require a wedding and a marriage certificate to maintain. 

I plough ahead to our expectations of marriage. We agree that we will go on date nights. We will have a holiday together every year. We may live abroad for a while. We discuss a few other expectations and, slowly, my thinking about the wedding starts to shift beyond what dress I’ll wear and how I’ll do my hair. What will our day to day life be like as we grow old together as a married couple? 

For younger couples exploring expectations is likely to be even more enlightening. Kids or no kids? How many? When? Will one partner stay at home when they’re small? How will finances work in such a situation? The nitty gritty of starting and nurturing a family is best discussed prior to making a commitment and long before the gender reveal party features on Instagram.

The book advises us to explore how feelings were dealt with in our family when we were small. This is pretty straight forward, both of us having grown up in a time when Irish people didn’t have feelings. My beloved announces, not for the first time, that he doesn’t have emotions and I have too many. I move on.

There’s a frank chapter on sex, with some common myths well and truly busted, as well as tips about how to talk about sexual issues should they arise.

We whizz through the partnership quiz (well I do) and arrive at the final question. How do you rank your fiancé(e) as a partner?  I award us both nine out of 10. 

True, I’ve done most of the answering although he has contributed the odd grunt. That’s fine. I don’t think this is a book you necessarily work through methodically. I think it’s more useful to dip in and out. Ponder a question, ask your partner his or her thoughts on the matter. There’s plenty of information and psychological insight on relationships, communications, identity, all issues that are likely to arise in a marriage.

Personally, it’s got me thinking and, I suspect, raised a few thoughts for the fella too. 

This is definitely the perfect antidote to wedding mania. 

Happily Ever After by Barbara Duff is published by Austin Macauley, €8.95 from austinmacauley.com