Love to Love You

The art of self-love is a daily practice that can improve your life, says Una Rice

Becoming the best version of yourself may be the most enriching thing you ever experience. But it’s not an overnight event. It can happen sporadically and unexpectedly, in steps, with reminders and signposts along the way.

It can be triggered by trauma, loss, or a life-defining moment. Those times that make you pause and reflect – becoming a parent or grandparent, losing someone important, going through the ‘empty nest’ months, or doing something incredible, different or brave. These are all catalysts that can make us aware that life is short, precious and there to be experienced fully. Often the most difficult part is turning the spotlight on yourself, so you can embrace everything on offer as your most authentic self.

We’ve been conditioned to view selfishness as a negative thing, but if you’re not selfish, how are you going to build yourself up? Being selfish is an art; you recognize that you need to put your needs first - not in order to look after everyone else - but in order to show up strong, so you don’t get crushed by those who are less caring. This is the gateway to your magnificence. Being selfish is actually being kind to yourself, it’s loving yourself, looking after your body, mind and spirit, using all your gifts, talents and intuition, and whatever precious time you have. 

Know thyself

How well do you know yourself? Sit down with pen and paper and write a list of your traits – good and bad. Which ones would you like to change or eliminate? 

Go further by looking into your personality type. Check out the Enneagram, a personality test, which can give you deeper insights into how you turn up, how you function at your best, as well as your worst, your motivations and fears. Are you the helper, or the achiever? The enthusiast, or the peacemaker? Sometimes we get so busy running around checking if everyone is okay, we forget about ourselves. The Enneagram is a little reminder that we are all different but that we can get stuck in a mode. There are reasons behind our habitual behaviours and responses. It can also explain why others don’t often show up the way we expect them to.

Know your bandwidth

Bandwidth is a great term to use as regards how much you have to give on a daily basis – physically, emotionally, mentally. If you reach a part of the day where you feel exhausted and running on empty, you’ve reached your bandwidth. Anything else pulling on you for attention, love or fixing, may send you into a corner in tears, or reaching for a glass of wine as a rescue. Imagine yourself having a certain amount of bandwidth daily – actually visualize it. This is what you get to work with today. It can be replenished by hearty walks, enjoying nature, good food, meditation or exercise. But if there are too many demands on your bandwidth (dealing with difficult people, running to fix family dramas, juggling too many tasks, and should do/must do lists) it can plummet. This explains why a small, perhaps otherwise meaningless event can tip you over the edge. Being mindful of what you can give in terms of your bandwidth is a useful way of knowing when you can give more, or when it’s time to say ‘no’ and mollycoddle yourself instead.

Setting boundaries

Bandwidth is a cousin of boundaries. We set up boundaries so that we can look after ourselves, so that we’re not depleted by takers. Who are the takers? These are the people in your life who run to you to offload their dramas and problems. Takers also turn up as people you bump into briefly, but they somehow manage to offload the contents of their mind – you walk away having not got a word in. They haven’t asked how you are. But you know all about what their family members are up to, whether you wanted to or not. 

A taker may also be someone you love very much – that family member, who can’t drive yet and needs lifts everywhere, sometimes at short notice, or constantly needs financial rescuing. Or it could be the person who complains constantly, is negative, and loves to pull on your high energy. 

Setting boundaries with people can seem scary at first, especially if we don’t want to come across as being reluctant or difficult. It starts with saying no, but if you find this hard, try saying: ‘‘Let me think about that and get back to you’’. This leaves it open; it buys you time. There are, of course, more difficult boundaries to navigate at times. Putting up a boundary may mean deciding not to engage with a particular person ever again. This is difficult and can mean you need to do some soul-searching. But if it helps you feel better, less drained, protects you, and you feel safer as a result, it can only be a good thing.

Dream a little dream

Now you’ve sorted your bandwidth and your boundaries, you’re ready to dream a little about what you’d love to invite into your life. The late spiritual guru Wayne Dyer used to say: ‘‘When you change the way you look at the things, the things you look at change’’. For instance, the house may be feeling a little emptier since your children grew up and left for college or got married, but instead of dwelling on the empty nest, how about turning it into an opportunity. Create a space where you can spread out and develop your arts and crafts or have paying guests. The only way you’ll ever know what you really want to do, is to dream it into existence. Usually deep inside, we all have that part of us that says: ‘‘I always wanted to do that, but I never had the chance’’. That is the untapped potential of your life. It may take a little risk, investment, time, study, or dedication. So, it’s time to ask: do I take the plunge and do this now, or do I put it off until tomorrow, endlessly?

Daily Self-love checklist

Self-love isn’t something we stick on at the end of a busy day or promise ourselves next week. It’s made up of all the acts of kindness to ourselves daily. You can make your own self-love checklist to look at every day, based on the things you like, or need in your life, or use this as a template to get you started.

What did you manage to do today? (Tick)

Breathing methods

Walk in nature

Journalling 

Meditation/mindfulness

Business plan

Secret dream

Study

Investments

Improved work relations

Quality time with family/loved ones

Decluttering/improving environment

Reading good literature

Fresh, healthy food

Physical care