Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

My son who is eight has from a young age been a little bit different to our other sons. I would often find him wearing my jewellery, accessories and trying on some of my make up. Over the years, I have bought him gender neutral toys and when he was four his Santa list included dress-up dolls and he always got them. We have always included gender neutral toys in the playroom as we do not believe in the adage ‘blue for a boy, pink for a girl’. We like to think we are progressive parents who are open and accepting of everyone. 

I knew when he was a toddler that he could be gay. He wanted the comics that came with bracelets or toys, not the boys’ ones with guns or cars. It has caused some issues between my husband and I. My husband is a typical Irish dad, mad about the GAA, wants his sons to be all Ireland champions so you can imagine his disappointment to have a son who seems allergic to sport and does not like getting dirty. It's almost as if he thinks I am encouraging his difference when in reality I am supporting our son in his choices. When I asked him about this, he disagreed that he thought that, but I am not 100% convinced. I do not want us to clash over any aspect of our children’s upbringing. My son seems to be ok at school, he has lots of friends, he is very sociable and great fun and I hope that helps him as he gets older. I enrolled him in a speech and drama group as he loves music and dancing, and it has really helped his confidence. He’s creative and loves borrowing my phone to make little videos which I love to see. I do not know what to do if he has any issues as he gets older, how can I prepare him or indeed myself to deal with that? 

Other family members have commented negatively, there is so much criticism which I find very upsetting. Their main issue is that by buying him girls toys he will become gay when anyone of any intelligence knows that is not possible. I am dealing with a huge amount of ignorance and stereotypical thinking. I only care about my son’s happiness in all of this. I find myself defending him to almost everyone. I know one day he is going to have battles to fight, and I want him to know we are on his side. How can I get my husband and other family members to back off and let our son be whoever he wants to be? 

Yvonne, Co. Cork

Dear Yvonne, 

Your son is so lucky to have a mother like you, that you are so enlightened and trying to educate everyone. It's an uphill struggle by the sound of things. You are doing all the right things and I believe you should continue to do what you have been doing. Your husband and all the other family members  sticking their oar in are really part of the problem and not the solution. Let us begin with your husband. You should have a conversation with him and ask him to accept that his son is different and that is a reason to celebrate not to criticise. We are not all meant to be the same, how boring would that be. He should be proud of what you are both doing and that he should join you in your efforts to create a more inclusive world for your son and all the other children who are different. He needs to stop having unrealistic expectations in relation to his sporting abilities and instead cheer him on in his own set of gifts, which you say are more on the artistic and creative side. It's vital that there is no conflict or resentment in how he is treated - particularly by his own family. There is so much information available to help you educate the family members causing you distress though really, I think you should ignore them. A lot of ignorance is borne out of fear of the unknown. You could appeal to their nicer side and ask them to see your son as a human being with feelings and ask that they respect his choices whatever they may be.  Ultimately, it is really none of their business and they have no right to comment or criticise. Whatever school your son goes to in the future, I hope it is one that will allow him to grow into the adult he will be and support him in his educational journey. It is their responsibility to ensure bullying or bigotry is not tolerated. It might be worth you having conversations with any prospective schools to get a feel for their policies around inclusion and diversity. 

The most important thing your son needs from his parents is love and acceptance. You might need to remind him frequently, but I feel you are happy to do so. Your husband needs to step up a bit and overcome his reluctance to accept your son for who he is.. It is important that he does as otherwise it will be more difficult as your son gets older. Perhaps there are some non GAA activities they could bond on for example the cinema, theatre, board games or books. There are some groups that specifically support young people and families in your situation - Belong To (belongto.org) is a great organisation that is worth connecting with for help and advice.

I wish you and your family the very best.

Mel