Dear Mel…

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Houseguest from Hell

Dear Mel,

I am dreading the summer holidays this year. Last year, because of Covid, we decamped to our holiday home in the West, a modest sized house that was left to my husband by his grandmother some years ago. We have managed gradually to modernise it and it has been a wonderful escape every summer but particularly last year. As soon as the children finished school, we went there as my husband was able to work from there. I was working but like lots of people, I was unable to continue in my job as it was affected. Usually, we are there for a couple of weeks at a time at the most and a few weekends and we have happily allowed family and friends to ‘borrow’ it when we were not there. We would usually go abroad during the summer, so it was a quite different time and one we really enjoyed. There was just one problem and that was my sister-in-law. Because she and her husband and son could not go abroad themselves, they started to turn up almost every weekend. My husband would always welcome them and encourage them as he gets on well with her husband and all the male bonding that goes with beers and barbeques. Their son gets on with our children. The problem is his sister. She took the term ‘holiday home’ literally so every time they came, she would start drinking at lunchtime and keep going. Combine this with not lifting a finger and being waited on hand and foot as a ‘guest’, I was always glad to see the back of them as it was exhausting dealing with a half-cut house guest for two days a week almost every week for three months. She would offer to help occasionally, and I would say no as I did not trust her not to cause damage somehow. They would arrive with beers and wine but little contribution otherwise. It is not about the extra cost of feeding them, but it would have been nice if they had offered to do a shop sometimes. There would be mentions of going to them for weekends or dinner when we were back in our usual home but that is not practical during term time and we live in the same county, where is the excitement in that never mind the packing for everyone for the sake of a night. I am afraid I will end up hosting them again this year and I just cannot face it. I have tried to broach the subject sensitively with my husband and he has been quite dismissive of how I feel. I gave up work completely in agreement with my husband, so I am feeling generally more relaxed. I believe my summer will be ruined if there is a repeat of last year. I do not want to turn it into a big deal with my husband, but I feel resentful that he can’t see my point of view. I do like my sister-in-law, and we get on well generally. I am happy for them to come a couple of times; I just want to control it a bit more and I would like some of my own family and friends to come and visit. What would you advise? 

Laura, midlands. 

Dear Laura,

I can sense your frustration with the way last summer went and the word control is an important one here. You do not like things being done to you; you like to manage it. There is nothing wrong with that. So, take control, since your husband will not tackle it, you can. I suggest in advance of you heading there, you get your diary out and decide which weekends you are happy to host them and then let them know that you have lots of people coming this time and you would not want them to feel crowded. Before you do that, extend an invitation for specific dates to your own family and friends that you really want to see. It might be a good idea to block off some weekends for just yourselves so you can have quality time as a family. Perhaps there are some local diversions that you should make time for, a trip to a historical site or even a day at the beach. As this summer looks like you will be able to travel more freely and more places are open, you have more choices. On the weekends your sister-in-law comes, is there a local outdoor eating restaurant you could book rather than you are cooking for everyone. I know barbeques are great and especially for large groups but there is still shopping to do and preparation. Are there takeaways nearby that you could use. By having other options, it might also make it easier for your sister-in-law and her family to offer it as their treat for your hosting them. If that does not happen, suggest that you go halves when it comes to paying the bill. They might find it easier to pay for those kinds of meals than turning up with a boot full of groceries. Failing any of the above as option, wait until they arrive and say you need to go grocery shopping and rope your sister-in-law in to help before she starts drinking. You could also ask your husband to do this and take his brother-in-law with him. I do not think any of these are unreasonable requests, you are all adults. What I am trying to do here is to give you options and make you feel you have control over the situation. You have more power than you think as the person organising everything. Take some simple steps to make your life easier and cut down on the workload and your own frustration. We were blessed with a great summer weather wise last year; it might not be as good this year and that means you could be indoors more. That is not a great combination to improve moods. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home, and I hope these suggestions help you. Wishing you a stress-free summer. All the best.

Mel 

If you have a problem, you can email Mel at womansway@harmonia.ie