Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

My husband and I have been vaccinated for a while now. Before Covid, we were living a wonderfully full life as we enjoy good health, are fit and active. We used to play golf (not together), go for walks, eat in some of the local restaurants and pubs whenever we felt like it. Our children and grandchildren visited regularly and as we both drive; we would visit them as well as other relatives. How our world has changed and not for the better. It has been a nightmare and one that only seems to get worse instead of better. It has taken its toll on the both of us but my husband more so. We have gone from being socially active, fun loving people to becoming hermits. At peak lockdowns though, we didn’t go into shops and the restaurants and pubs we loved to eat in and meet friends and acquaintances were closed. Worst of all, bar one of our sons, we did not see any of our children or grandchildren for months at a time. Only recently have we been able to see them and get the hugs and love we did not realise we had come to depend on like oxygen. To see their little faces, brighten as they see us but not hug us broke our hearts time and again. We could not play golf and my husband would not leave the back garden and took to walking around it in circles to get his daily exercise. I would go out with my neighbour and walk around the neighbourhood but keeping our distance from each other and anyone else we met. It was very surreal. Our son did all our shopping and God love him did his best, but nothing beats browsing around a supermarket for impulse buying of treats as well as bumping into people and having a few words. My worry is my husband. Even though it's safe now to eat out and see people and play golf, he has barely left the house and garden. He makes excuses that are weak at best. I believe he is depressed. None of this has done his mental health any good. I think I am just a ‘get on with it’ kind of person so even though it has not been easy, I am just looking to the future. I see no point in dwelling on the past. I have asked him if he is okay several times and he says he is. I feel I should have made him go walking with me instead of going with my neighbour. I am blaming myself.  I have asked his friends to get him to play golf, but he tells them he will and then does not go. He has lost weight and shows little interest in going out to eat as he says we might as well stay in. I do not know what to do Mel. I just want my pre-pandemic husband back, a man full of life and joy. It's as if he has aged a decade over the past year and a half. 

Thanks Valerie, Co. Clare

Dear Valerie,

I am so sorry for you and your husband and for every one of us who have been through such a terrible time. It has been so tough on so many, and the effects continue. I know you are putting a brave face on for your husband, and I am sure it has taken a toll on you as well. It seems to me that you have tried everything to motivate your husband to embrace your renewed freedoms without success. I would advise encouraging him to visit his GP for a check-up. Tell him maybe you want to make sure he is not lacking in vitamins if that helps encourage him to go. He might find it easier talking to his doctor about how he is feeling and hopefully he can get some help.

There is no point blaming yourself, there was no template for Covid and how we should or should not react. It was unprecedented - as I am sure you are sick and tired of hearing. You are now able to get on with your life. You could suggest a visit to one of your children, with seeing the grandchildren an added incentive. Once he makes small steps back into freedom, he might feel less afraid. 

Please make sure you look after your own wellbeing too Valerie, as it's more important than ever to keep your health at an optimum. Keep doing all the things that bring you joy, even browsing in the supermarket. As more and more of us become vaccinated, it will become safer to socialise. Do you and your husband have a favourite restaurant? You could make a reservation now that in door dining is allowed. Or book a hotel stay somewhere nice. Perhaps that is something you could enjoy and give your husband the reassurance of doing normal things without risk. 

You have not mentioned if you have shared your concerns with anyone else. If you have not, then I encourage you to consider talking to your children, family support is really important. Maybe they could increase the number of visits so you and your husband can make up for all the hugs you have missed. That will increase your serotonin levels and give you pure joy, something that has been in short supply and sporadic in the last eighteen months. I know you have a ‘glass half full’ approach, it's so important to focus on the positives and to make the most of everything good. 

I hope you are back to playing golf and meeting friends. You must resume as much of your pre Covid life as you can. I wish you luck and best wishes for you and your husband. 

Best wishes Mel.