Every family fights, whether it’s a quiet bicker at the dinner table or a competition to see who can shout the loudest, we all do it. Take a look at these famous family feuds and hear from an expert on how to heal a rift. 

We’ve all been through the motions of a family row. Taking sides with siblings and dodging mam’s countless phone calls because you know she’s fit to break out the wooden spoon. It's a classic family drama. As humans, it’s in our nature to get into the odd argument with loved ones, and with lockdown, it probably happened more often than not. Tensions run high when you’re stuck inside the house in forced proximity, and if family dinners were starting to look a bit like a scene from Dynasty, just know you’re not alone. Even our favourite celebrities have had some note-worthy family feuds in the past, both resolved and ongoing. 

Angelina Jolie and father Jon Voight’s rift is finally being resolved after 14 years. In 2002, Voight told a tabloid that Jolie had “serious mental problems”, which led to their relationship becoming almost non-existent. However, after her divorce in 2016, Jolie in an interview praised Voight for being a good grandfather to her children and that he’s always around.

Sadly, it seems that other celebrities haven’t reached the same point as Jolie and her father. Singer Adele had an estranged relationship with her father Mark Evans for some years in her childhood which then caused a strain on their relationship in later life. In 2017, Adele said that she doesn’t love her dad in her acceptance speech at the Grammys. Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian sisters have also had many public and messy rows.

Kim Kardashian publicly called Caitlyn ‘a liar’ and ‘not a good person’ after Caitlyn wrote that the Kardashian sisters' father knew OJ Simpson was guilty but defended him anyway. Kim and her sister’s relationship with Caitlyn is still on the rocks.

While families doling out insults to each other is never nice, we can’t deny there is one sibling duo that can turn their rivalry into banter. Noel and Liam Gallagher, with no reconciliation in sight after 10 years, still manage to gift us with entertainment online - on social media, no singing needed. Noel said in a 2019 column: “If they want to hear old Oasis songs, they’re being played by a fat man in an anorak somewhere, you know, with shorts on, so they can go and see that.” 

Liam, of course, took to Twitter replying: “There’s banter and then there’s banter but slagging off a man's anorak is out of order.”

However, any rift isn’t insurmountable, and social psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley says all fallouts can be healed as long as everyone wants to make things better. “You can heal a family rift if all the members of the family involved wish to do so. It takes effort, but if you don’t want to or don’t value it, you’re not going to make it happen,” she warns.

Here’s how to smooth over the cracks in any family problems.

1. Forget the timescale

Don’t think that because you fell out years ago, it means you can’t make things better now. “Just because it doesn’t happen in the first month or year doesn’t mean it’ll never happen,” says Wheatley. “Quite often, with time, we realise we made mistakes, and we’re all fallible, and that sometimes things are our fault, too.”

In the future, you might think that if you had your time again, you’d do things differently, but think, “hang on, I still can.”

2. Ask yourself if it’s worth carrying on

Look at the bigger picture, and ask yourself if the rift is making you feel it is worth it. Wheatley says: “You may experience a feeling of regret. Is it worth losing a close family member who’d been there for you and has been there for you in the past, just because of something that seemed quite important at the time, but on reflection, actually isn’t?”

3. Be prepared to accept rejection

You may have to swallow your pride and be prepared for any attempt at reconciliation not to work. Wheatley warns: “You have to be very brave, put yourself out there and accept the fact that if you get your timing wrong, they’re likely to say no. It’s a tricky thing to make that judgement call at the right time.”

She says you need to ask yourself if your relative is willing to listen and points out: “There are lots of things you have to make a judgement on. Sometimes we get it right; sometimes we don’t.”

4. Be honest with yourself

Don’t just blame it on your relative – look at the situation honestly and see what part your actions played in the rift. “Be honest with yourself about what happened to cause the rift and how you might have been partly at fault,” says Wheatley. “If there were things you now wish you’d done differently, think about how you can do them differently from now on.”

5. Get another opinion

Ask someone you’re close to what their assessment of the situation is. “Finding someone you trust who can say you were a bit of an idiot, if you were, is the next step,” says Wheatley. “Say things out loud, rather than just in your head.” 

6. Ask yourself how you can make things better

You may need to apologise and seek forgiveness, but remember that your relative may not give it. “You’re opening yourself up to a whole world of pain again,” notes Wheatley. “Think about how resilient you are and how much you’ll be able to cope with, in terms of them chucking a bit of honesty your way.”

7. Don’t insist you’re right

Wheatley says that rather than just insisting you were right and your relative was wrong, it can be essential to have a conversation and let them know that you care and there are things they should know. “Blaming someone for your situation and troubles is never helpful,” she says, “but you may need to say to them, ‘If you keep doing this, you’re going to end up very lonely, and I don’t think you should be in that situation. I want to do something about it.’

Often this comes from a place of caring, but sometimes it sounds like you’re bossing them about, particularly if you’re an older sibling, and quite often, that doesn’t go down well. But if you’re willing to communicate and listen as much as you speak, then you’ve got a good chance.”

8. Think of the rest of the family 

If there are children in the family, any conflicting members should think about how their differences will affect them, Wheatley notes. “Think about the generations below and the consequences of your actions. By all means, fall out yourselves, but don’t prevent others from forming good bonds and relationships. Try and minimise the effect on everyone else as much as you can. But it’s not always possible.”

Wheatley then says, “Have in mind the positive things that will come from this – the rest of the family will benefit as well as you, and that will help boost your resilience.”

9. Physical distance might help

Not living near each other shouldn’t be a problem, states Wheatley. “Sometimes physical distance can be a comfort – it can give people time to reflect on what they think. If they were already emotionally distant, what do a few miles matter? It can give them the time to reflect and talk about it with the people they care about. Then, they can come together, perhaps thinking, ‘I hate to admit it, but you did have a point. After that, sitting down and talking and allowing emotions to calm can help to communicate more effectively, without bubbling resentment underneath.”

10. Remember this might not be resolved quickly

“Accept that nothing is ever perfect,” advises Wheatley, “and that even if you identify the cause of the problem, it doesn’t mean it no longer exists, but hopefully, you won’t repeat it.

“Don’t think of it as a progressive thing; it might not all be resolved next time you see each other. It won’t just take a hug; it’s something significant in your life that will probably linger for a while. There’s no quick fix. You’ll probably need to maintain your position about being contrite about certain things, but being firm about the fact that you think they weren’t shiny clean either.” WW