Exhausted from all this socialising?  If you feel like your socialising ‘tolerance’ has dropped, you’re not alone - here are some Expert tips for making plans (but not too many).

Isn’t it great that we can socialise again? Isn’t it also, well, all a bit exhausting?

Not long ago, many of us were longing for the day we’d be able to start making plans and seeing people again. Now we can – albeit still in a limited capacity – lots of us are finding it overwhelming.

Our ‘tolerance’ levels seem to have dropped too. Maybe in pre-pandemic life, a packed diary with after-work drinks, catch-ups and plans every weekend was the norm. Now, even a lunch date leaves you hitting a wall, and while that Saturday afternoon with friends was lovely, you felt wiped out for days afterwards (dubbed the ‘socialising hangover’).

What’s the deal, and how can we find that socialising sweet spot?

We can’t just ‘snap back’

Firstly, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you if you’re feeling this way. In fact, it’s probably to be expected. “The thing is, people are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted anyway, because we’ve been in survival mode for the last year and a half,” says counsellor Sheila McMahon.

Physiologically and emotionally, it takes time to reset and readjust – it isn’t something we can just snap out of or bounce back from overnight.

Permission to go slow

While there is comfort in knowing many of us are experiencing similar things right now, McMahon says it’s also a useful time to remember that we’re all different too: “Some people will like to get stuck in, some people like to take their time.”

There’s no right or wrong, and it’s ok to set a pace that feels good for you. As positive psychology and coach trainer Rebecca Lockwood says: “If you feel uncomfortable and out of sorts, take things as slow as you feel works for you.”

Ask, rather than assume

It’s easy to get into a tangle with over-committing, being afraid to say ‘no’, or feeling the pressure not to disappoint others – especially right now. Will our friend be hurt if we want to go home early? Will you look selfish if you say no to that invitation? It’s so easy to make our choices based on assumptions, only to end up cross, resentful and worn out.

“There’s such a difference between assuming and actually asking,” says McMahon, who shares a mental health ‘tip of the week’ on her website and social media channels. “People might be thinking, ‘Well, I don’t want to upset them’ – but you don’t know [if it’s going to upset them]. You’re making assumptions.”

Baby steps and boundaries

If you want to socialise but also want a baby-steps approach, have a think about what that might look like – and normalise having these conversations. This might be setting out a timeframe in advance, for example. That way, says McMahon, “you’re managing other people’s expectations, and your own expectations.

“I do it all the time,” she adds. “I’ll say, ‘OK, I’ve got from two until four o’clock, let’s have a late lunch or whatever’. Then people know there’s a timeframe and it helps everybody.”

What do you really want?

There’s a lot going on. While we may be very happy that restrictions are easing and we can see more of our loved ones again, as Lockwood points out, it’s also perfectly normal to be “feeling a bit nervous about having freedom again”.

Plus, there could be another part of the picture: perhaps our tolerance levels have simply shifted. Do you really want to go back to the same pace as before? Would you be happier being a bit more picky and protective with your time?

“Before this pandemic, a lot of people were alive but weren’t really living, if that makes sense, because of the pace of life they’d set upon themselves,” says McMahon. “People have had time to reflect, well, some people have. Rather than just going along on the treadmill in autopilot, it’s made people stop and think, ‘Hang on a minute, how do I want my life to be?’”

Own your downtime

Carving out ‘me time’ can be vital self-care and is something we all have the right to prioritise – no justification required. Right now, if you’re conscious of off-setting exhaustion as we get to grips with socialising again, it’s especially important. But rather than just leaving blank space in your diary, McMahon suggests going a step further.

“Put in what you’re going to do in that blank space. If it’s a walk, a swim, reading a book, just so it’s actually there in writing,” she says. “That way, you’re more likely to do it.”