Dear Mel...

He Shattered My Dreams

Dear Mel

My partner and I met while we were teenagers, we were each other’s first love and it was always assumed we would get engaged, married and have children. The whole package. We bought a house and , until recently, were living in domestic bliss. We became friends with another couple we had met at the local pub and our friendship deepened over time. We went out for dinner together, socialised at each other’s homes and even went away together sometimes to sport events. Sadly the husband died suddenly and since then we have done what we can to support our friend. I will call her ‘Colette’, as I don't want to use her real name. We were heartbroken for her. It was hard, as we had been so close, and it felt as if we had lost a family member. Over the following weeks and months, we included her in everything we did as we would have always done. My partner would stop off on his way to the shops to see if she needed anything. He also called in regularly on his way home from work just to see how she was. I thought it was very kind and thoughtful of him and was so proud of having such a considerate person as my partner. Last week he came home from work. I knew he had stopped off to see Colette. He seemed very quiet and when I asked if he was ok, he snapped at me. This was such an unusual occurrence that I demanded to know what was wrong. He eventually told me that he had been ‘comforting’ Colette over the last few months and she had just told him she is pregnant. My world fell to pieces. All my hopes and dreams, all wrapped up in him, just disintegrated. I told him to get out and then I just sat crying until it got dark, and I realised I had been crying for hours. I called my mother and asked her if I could come home for the night, she knew immediately something was wrong. She and my father drove to get me, and I told them everything. My father looked so angry and I begged him and my mother to say nothing and do nothing. I stayed with them for a couple of days to gather my strength and then I texted my partner to meet me at our home. He was contrite, but it was clear he was going to be with her and our life together was over. He said he didn’t mean for it to happen but that he always wanted children and was clearly excited at the thought of having a child with her. Colette has texted me a few times saying she is sorry and that she hopes I don’t hate her. I think hate isn’t a strong enough word for what I am feeling. How can I recover from this betrayal and move on with my life? I feel hollow with loss. I am tortured by thoughts of them together. I don’t want to think about that, but it creeps into my head in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. I feel like hiding and even going to the supermarket is fraught with anxiety, in case I bump into either of them. It’s not such a big town that there’s a lot of choice. I dread seeing them pushing a pram around. I am avoiding other mutual friends from the shame of them knowing. I feel as if everyone is talking about me and judging me. I am struggling to cope, and I know it is affecting every aspect of my life. What can I do? 

Regards Mhari

Dear Mhari.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and the most important thing you need to tell yourself is that this is not your fault, this has nothing to do with you. You are absolutely entitled to feel betrayed, upset and angry. Now, maybe it is time to concentrate on you and focus on your own future. Try to stop thinking that people are talking about you or judging you, chances are they are not and if they are, it's none of their business. You have no reason to feel ashamed and have done nothing to deserve what has happened to you. Firstly, I would suggest you speak to your GP to help talk through how you are feeling, your anxiety and sleeplessness. Perhaps talk to him or her about counselling. Remember that it's ok to not be ok. It seems like you are a strong person and even strong people are allowed to say they aren’t feeling well. The end of any loving relationship is like a bereavement, you need to grieve that loss. I know it is a cliche but time is a great healer. Secondly, you need some support and I am so pleased that your parents are understanding and there to lean on. I am sure you have other friends and family that you know are completely on your side. Try to spend time with them and don’t hide away, you need to get on with your life. Concentrate on work, as being busy is always a good distraction. Taking a break might also help. Can you get away for a few days with a friend, even abroad now that we can travel? I would suggest you find new interests and hobbies where you are unlikely to encounter them. Maybe order your groceries online to minimise your anxiety about bumping into them if that helps. 

 It's hard to see beyond your pain right now but you will. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do not allow other people to control your happiness, you are in charge of that. You say you shared a home; you might consider selling up and making a fresh start to further reduce the anxiety of shared memories. Do not let this define you, you will recover, and you will look back one day and be proud of yourself for dealing with this with strength and dignity. I wish you the best of luck for your very bright future. 

Regards Mel