11 Ways To Dodge A Family Feud
You’ve wrapped the pressies and iced the cake. Now, says Una Rice, all that’s left to do is ensure peace breaks out…
Christmas brings out the best and the worst in us. All that shopping, decision making and prepping can take its toll. Come Christmas Eve, you might be happier in your pyjamas, surviving on chocolate bombs and watching The Crown back-to-back, but instead you’re making complicated gravy and fending off asides from certain family members. Or worse.
We all have a coping bandwidth, and Christmas amplifies everything including family disputes. Personal over-functioning combined with high expectations, and other people, creates a highly inflammatory mix.
There’s also the sense of obligation and tradition that can have toxic patterns on repeat each year. Ultimately everyone just wants a nice time. So what can we do? The answer lies in going out of our way to keep the peace.
1> EARN REWARDS If you’re committed to a family event that’s going to be difficult, but there’s no backing out, then make sure you’ve got something nice lined up for yourself as a reward. Those days between Christmas and New Year (Crimbo Limbo) are perfect to fill with a couple of nights in a country estate. Or a treat like new boots or afternoon tea in a posh hotel. Just ensure you’ve got something fabulous to look forward to and keep focusing on that, even through gritted teeth. Still smiling…?
2> TAKE A REALITY CHECK No matter how hypnotic the ambience at home with cosy fire, lights and feuilles de brick pastry in the oven, most families are not a walking Christmas advert. There’s niggling disharmony, to varying degrees, even when we love the bones of each other. But if you value your peace and you hate being the family referee, then this is your permission slip to decline all invitations that don’t fill you with absolute joy.
3> OFF TOPIC So you’re the host and you don’t want to get embroiled in a lively, erm, debate, then avoid clashing opinions, politics and personalities. If there’s one thing that’s going to start a row it’s two people trying to convince each other that they’re both right. Steer away from conversations that lead to igniting your party political opponent. Have a mental list of things you do want to talk about instead.
4> THE COST OF GIVING Post Christmas, charity shops are filled to the rafters with the unwanted gifts people inflicted on relatives. To avoid arguments about money and the inevitable mis-match in gift value and subsequent falling out, agree beforehand on price, gift type (fun or useful).
5> I KID YOU NOT If you have visiting children, dodge another argument bullet by suggesting they don’t bring gadgets. This ensures you bypass cousin envy and that nothing will be damaged or broken. Line up the board games instead.
6> BE HUMBLED You don’t have to do Christmas Day the same every year. It’s both humbling and makes you count your blessings to spend time on Christmas Day serving up dinners for the homeless. The act of doing something for someone else can take the focus off any stress within your own family.
7> AVOID CHEF’S ‘EFS You know that person in the kitchen – the one who’s drinking, swearing whilst following a fancy celebrity chef gravy recipe? Don’t be that person. If you don’t absolutely adore cooking for a crowd, then don’t do it. Buy fancy readymade by all means or insist that everyone chips in and helps out.
8> GO EASY ON ALCOHOL We don’t want to rain on your meringues, but you can keep a much better birds eye view of family dynamics before they get out of hand, when you are not drinking alcohol.
If you’re worried about someone else’s consumption, include a time limit on invites, just so your guests know when to leave.
9> TRY TO GET OUT Tempting as it is to merge the days into a Netflix marathon, it’s much better not to be cooped up. Ireland is littered with perfect large spaces for a ramble like Gosford Forest Park in Armagh, Portumna Forest Park in Galway, or the enchanting Dun A Ri in Cavan. A forest is a guaranteed family tension breaker.
10> HOLD THE ICE And by ice we mean the icy attitude. Conflicts will occur, but, at Christmas, emotions can be heightened and we often don’t have a clue about the burdens someone is concealing at this time of year. So while that ‘difficult’ family member or situation may be a possible trigger for you, you get to decide how to respond. Hopefully in a way that keeps you feeling peaceful.
11> STAY GROUNDED Whatever’s going on around you, even if there is family conflict on the periphery, you can opt out by declining invites, leaving early and just being less available – do this guilt free.
You don’t have to buy into a crazy Christmas, you can have a much gentler experience.