Personal trainer Pat Divilly turned to psychology to help his clients achieve their goals. Here he explains how to work with our inner critic. used to see the tens of thousands of thoughts that ran through my head on a daily basis as an unpredictable mixture of inspiration, desperation and everything in between.

Some days I woke up with thoughts that left me feeling ready to change the world, while other days I woke up with thoughts that made me want to stay in bed forever more, hidden under the safety of the duvet.

The unpredictability of my mind left me on an emotional rollercoaster, hoping for the positive thoughts that would help me feel like a responsive creator in life and hoping to avoid the ‘negative’ thoughts that left me feeling like a reactive victim.

INNER CRITIC

No matter what I achieved or acquired externally, certain people, experiences or situations would trigger my fears, insecurities and ‘limiting beliefs’, and my inner critic would quickly surface with a magnifying glass on my lack and limitation. As such I could quickly go from feeling like a confident, inspired and capable adult to a scared and overwhelmed child in the blink of an eye.

I have since come to see the thoughts that run through my mind as the conversations of different characters in my head, each character with different motivations and drivers based on their memories of the past which, when examined, make perfect logical sense.

Rather than judge my thoughts or always feel the need to ‘think positive’, I try to bring a sense of curiosity to these stories, so that I can better understand myself and the many characters in my head.

I try to be aware of the difficult thoughts or stories that are running through my mind and then reflecting on the origins of these thoughts and stories, before identifying the character who might hold that belief or frequently repeat that thought.

The voice we often label our ‘inner critic’ can show up in many different forms and as many different characters. Rather than shame or blame these characters, we might instead look to understand them and work with them and not against.

For example, I have a ‘part’ of me who remembers being bullied in school and sometimes gets scared in social situations, reverting back to the fears of my eight-year-old self and forgetting that I have grown up and am safe now. This part of me tells stories about not fitting in or of being socially awkward. The part does not want to experience bullying again and so is hyper vigilant in social situations thirty years later, looking for threats of ridicule or rejection. I previously saw this part as being negative and limiting, but it is really just trying to keep me safe from experiencing pain similar to what it remembers from the past.

KEEPING US SAFE

There is also a part of me that felt invisible as a kid in school and seeks external validation and approval, wanting people to tell me that I’m doing things well. This part craved approval in younger years and still seeks to be told that they are doing a good job and that they are good enough.

And of course there are many other forms of my inner critic that show up in different scenarios. The inner critic likes to share with me in many different ways where I’m falling short and why I am not good enough. My inner critic will also do everything in its power to stop me stepping out of my comfort zone, by predicting my downfall or the potential judgement I’ll receive from others. In their own way, our inner critic characters are really trying to keep us safe.

Rather than waiting for others to judge or criticise us, we judge ourselves first, which gives us back some sense of control. Most of the negative things we tell ourselves are the internalisation of something we’ve been told in the past.

If we think of our mind as an iceberg, our conscious understandings are what we see above the water and our unconscious beliefs, assumptions or thoughts are out of sight below the water.

As an example I can consciously know the exact steps needed to improve my health, my relationships or my career, but may be battling an unconscious belief ‘below the surface’ that ‘I always self-sabotage’ or ‘I never stay consistent’.

So many of our behaviours are on autopilot, driven by these unconscious beliefs within our minds. Taking on new information around improving your health, relationships or career while overlooking the unconscious beliefs running in the background is akin to trying to download a new app on an outdated phone.

New software will not run smoothly on old hardware and in the same way we will always default to our unconscious beliefs about ourselves regardless of how good a plan we have to create change in our lives.

“Rather than waiting for others to judge or criticise us, we judge ourselves, which gives us back a sense of control.
Most of the negative things we tell ourselves we’ve been told in the past.”

— Pat Divilly

If we become more aware of what lies below the surface and think about where our stories come from in the past and how they surface in the present, we can begin to update the outdated hardware of our minds and see the world through a new lens, allowing for consistency in our new habits, routines and commitments.

When we update the hardware and go beyond our conditioning, we can become present to what is happening in the moment, rather than stuck in memories from the past.

Oftentimes our emotional responses to people and experiences come from our unconscious. Through these challenging emotions often lead us to become reactionary, fighting for our survival and protecting our ego, they also provide an invitation to explore what unconscious belief is triggering this emotional reaction and giving energy to our inner critic.

KNOW THYSELF

Without judgement and curiosity, you could explore where and when your inner critic tends to surface the most.

You might notice the people or situations that elicit a disproportionate emotional reaction for you.

Perhaps it is in the workplace when you are asked to give a presentation and become quickly overwhelmed, or when you are training in the gym and feel others are looking at and judging you, bringing about insecurity and feelings of shame.

Maybe your inner critic emerges in the company of certain people or in scenarios when you are trying something new and judging yourself for not getting it right.

Stay curious and don’t make the inner critic wrong, instead try to come to a greater understanding of their world view and origins. After recognising some of the scenarios in which your inner critic commonly shows up, consider some of the thoughts, stories, assumptions or beliefs that emerge. For example, I might notice that my inner critic is always there when I am in social settings with a lot of people, and it tells me that ‘I don’t fit in’ or that ‘I’m socially awkward’.

If you were to see the thoughts of the inner critic as ‘protective thoughts’ and not ‘negative thoughts’, you could next ask: what might it be trying to protect you from? The thoughts of ‘not fitting in’ or ‘being socially awkward’ could be seen as defence strategies and ways of keeping your heart safe from rejection or ridicule.

When you believe these thoughts, you are less likely to lean into social interactions, as this lessens your chances of being hurt. Consider that all ‘negative’ or “Rather than waiting for others to judge or criticise us, we judge ourselves, which gives us back a sense of control. Most of the negative things we tell ourselves we've been told in the past” ‘protective’ thoughts are really trying to keep us safe from the fear of being hurt emotionally. Chances are it won’t have been the first time you have heard these thoughts and stories, so you might next think about your earliest memory of a similar story.

Explore how old this story or thought is. We often believe we are ‘thinking’, when in truth we are just remembering old, outdated stories, beliefs and assumptions.

There was most likely a time in which you felt emotionally vulnerable, and your mind came up with a defence strategy in the form of ‘protective’ or ‘limiting’ beliefs. You might recognise today that these are very old thoughts, ones you’ve carried with you since your early school days.

LISTEN AND LEARN

You might now recognise that many of your behaviours are fuelled by this old, outdated story, and, rather than believing that story going forward, you could reflect on what this younger part of you needs in order to feel safe.

For example, the next time the thought of ‘not fitting in’ emerges, you could connect with the younger part of you that feels vulnerable and self soothe with a few deep breaths or a silent affirmation to remind yourself that ‘I am safe’. When these older parts are ignored, they can become hostile and take over our lives. When we connect with and listen to them, we begin to take back control and can act from a more empowered place as opposed to a place of reactions from old painful memories or experiences