When the children grow up and move out, it’s considered a parenting job well done, says Una Rice.

But what happens when they want to return…

Like any life stage it can take a little adjusting to truly embrace the empty nest. The home that was once a hive of activity, with you at the core, is eerily silent.

But you get used to that too. Until, that is, the unexpected occurs.

Just when you’re enjoying lower energy bills, a newfound appreciation for independence and solitude, and the paint is barely dry in your new ‘sewing room’, (which was previously someone’s bedroom), you get that phone call. Your child is coming home. Your adult-sized child. Welcome to the boomerang gang, the grown-ups who try to get away, but can’t quite This is not a recent phenomenon. There are decades of often contradictory research on the effects of adult children returning home, for many varied reasons. The Covid crisis saw an increase in boomerangs.

What’s the point paying for rental and college accommodation when you can attend lectures online from your parents’ sitting room, and save money at the same time?

Sometimes however, your adult can be further down the line of independence when they come knocking. An unexpected downturn in their fortune, like a job loss or pay cut, can have them seeking solutions on your doorstep. In fact, statistically there’s likely to be a financial reason for returners and this is a more painful burden for some parents.

In most cases, parents want what’s best for their adult children. They have your back, they’re your greatest cheerleaders. Often they’ll get into sync with this new arrangement at the cost of their own sense of freedom. In recent years research from Italy linked a temporary period of depression in parents, when the child they thought they’d reared, comes back. is seems to ease in the subsequent year.

However researchers at the London School of Economics and Political Science found this to be a more prevailing depression and recognised it as a ‘violation’ of a parent’s enjoyment of the empty nest stage. Even when researchers controlled for unemployment and relationship breakdown in the returner, the downturn in parental wellbeing was still documented.

Arguably the returner doesn’t have it easy either. The twenties and thirties is defined as a time of goal setting and getting, and of following peers, many of whom have careers on an upwards trajectory, or are planning weddings and families of their own. There’s an expectation in many cases to be on the property ladder, and not be seen to be regressing.

According to the Central Statistics Office, 88 per cent of respondents who live with their parents would rather move out. Those surveyed reported not having enough independence, like having friends around, or food choice (70 per cent). Many felt that until that time, they won’t be treated as an adult by their parents.

Interestingly, the CSO recorded that almost nine in ten parents with an adult child in the house said that they enjoyed the setup. Although a boomerang event can be disruptive, it also has the potential to be harmonious, as many found during lockdowns, when they loved their newfound quality family time.

So as you’re primed to let them go, and they’re primed to be independent, what should you consider as you navigate this boomerang territory, if it comes knocking on your door?

1>> COMMUNICATE

Keep talking about this new situation and what it means for both parties.

Communicate your needs. Honesty is really important right now. Discuss the day-to-day living arrangements and put everything out there. Keep in mind that the dynamic has changed, you don’t have to revert to ‘mammy doing everything’ no matter how instinctive that feels (unless that’s what you really want, of course).

2>> PUT IT IN WRITING

While a contract sounds strict and boring, it can provide a good basis for both parties about the understanding of the arrangement. Include any rent amount due, percentage towards bills and how long the arrangement is for. Include housekeeping, like responsibilities for cooking, cleaning and laundry. And do consider entertaining, having friends/romantic partners to stay, pets in the home, and time-keeping, as it could be disturbing if you keep different hours.

That’s before we get into habits, like smoking and drinking alcohol and playing loud music – ultimately bringing things into your environment you may not want.

3>> SPACE INVADERS

You could consider altering the living environment, even as a temporary measure. This could make a world of difference depending on your circumstances and the space available. For instance, an extra bedroom or box room could become a second sitting room for your returning child, allowing you both your own space in the evenings.

4>> GET SOME BALANCE

It may appear that having a boomerang situation is going to create one problem after another, but it’s reassuring that it is an arrangement that works for many families and there are benefits, especially if a young person is saving for a wedding or house deposit, or paying off student debt or a credit card. While we are primed socially to move on and out, in some countries multigenerational living is normal.

Ultimately, you have to find what works for you.

5>> REMAIN UPBEAT

If the whole idea gets you down, whether you are a returning child or parent, ask yourself what being an adult is. We define it as moving on and out but being flexible and helpful is what families do. There are families in sad situations who would love to have a grown child land back with them, even if the plans were a little uncertain at first.