By Invitation Only
If there’s a family function, you should be on the list, right? But, asks Una Rice, what if the host has a different view…
You may have thought families of extreme wealth and social position had nothing in common with less privileged folk until Harry and Megan aired the proverbial family laundry with Oprah and an audience of millions.
Many people identify with the relief of letting off steam when a family situation has gone awry, from gnarly tweets about the in-law from hell, to blatant ex-partner bashing and blaming in ‘support’ groups on Facebook. They made it clear that insanely wealthy families are not immune to in-house bickering either.
Although sharing our troubles with anyone who’ll listen can feel like a relief, it can also backfire. Rather than helping us heal, it can at times inflame a situation. The royal pair have subsequently discovered this at family reunions, with an apparent attempt at distance through seating arrangements and furtive glances – not to mention public scrutiny.
More recently, a rather disgruntled Scott Disick shared his hurt as the mum of his three children Kourtney Kardashian ‘moved on’ in matrimony and excluded him from the event.
Left reeling, he was to be shut out. But who is anyone to doubt Disick’s anguish, as neuroscience has found that rejection hurts like physical pain?
CAUSING CONFLICT
First-world problems indeed, but for many families, these are real and complex situations. No one likes the feeling of exclusion. And although children may be insulated from family politics, all it takes is an adult-only wedding invitation to create ripples of discontent. row into the mix generational squabbles, narcissists and family member estrangement, and it’s a potential for fi reworks, of the not-so-alluring kind.
Weddings (child-free, anyone?), communions, birthday gatherings and other family ensembles have never been so complicated.
We strive to celebrate, reciprocate, connect and have fun without off ending someone, while endeavouring to keep bickering family members away from each other, for fear they’ll create a scene. This begs the question, is there a kind way to exclude family (or exfamily) without causing massive damage? And, is there a simple way to navigate this territory, without resentments simmering away beneath the surface? Keeping personal safety paramount, the answer may lie in really trying to understand both sides, being compassionate, and being unwavering in your much-considered decision.
Stand Alone, the UK charity, states that one in five families are affected by estrangement. It can take various forms as families are all different and family dynamics can be complex, but estrangement is usually described as a distancing and loss of affection. The charity describes a cause as including clashes of personality and values.
Yet the fallout can be crushing ,particularly at more family-orientated events throughout the year. For the estranged person, a loss of the family network and support can be devastating and isolating. The exclusion of a family member even if they’re not officially estranged, (however, Disick is viewed) can still create feelings of anguish, even if there was no hurtful intent.
Sometimes the decision to omit family members like children from a wedding is based on the maths. According to weddingsonline.ie couples budget for, on average, over €29,000 these days to make their wedding and honeymoon memorable. Reducing the guest list by omitting children does save money, but it can cost relationships unless guests understand why that decision was made. Friendships have been destroyed by people turning up with their children in tow anyway, although not always in defiance. As one mum explains: ‘‘We understood that it was a wedding for adult guests only, but as I was breastfeeding at the time we made the decision to bring our young baby. I did ring the bride and explain beforehand and she was of course understanding. We just didn’t want to miss their day.’’
However much it may seem a logical move to the hosts to make their wedding an adult-only event, this may be unforgivable to family members who have children who are nephews and nieces of the bridal couple, and to those who wonder what a wedding actually is, if it doesn’t include children.
Furthermore, exclusion can create another layer of family trauma. It is possible to heal by being open to solutions, creating boundaries, by changing yourself rather than expecting others to change, while for complex family issues there are various healing therapies like counselling.
HOW TO COPE WITH EXCLUSION
1> Try not to be hard on yourself wondering if you did something wrong. People have different motivations and triggers, and this is a more common situation than you realise.
2> There may be family members taking sides and wanting your opinion. This can keep the negative energy going and maybe you’d rather stamp it out. There is something in the old adage that ‘‘silence is also a message’’.
3> Try to move on from the situation by focusing on yourself, your own interests and those you love in your immediate circle.
IF YOU MUST EXCLUDE
1> Ensure you are doing it from a place of integrity, having explored all options.
2> If you must exclude children understand that people may be upset and even angry. Consider a phone call beforehand, or a note on the Save The Date card so that childcare arrangements can be made.
3> Look at a new possibility. Perhaps a more intimate adult-only event can be followed up at some point by a more informal gathering with children, or a much bigger group.
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