Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

The Landscape Lover

I have been divorced and happily single for a couple of years, we married too young and once the kids were reared, we really did not have a lot to say to each other. We made the decision to split, and it was amicable with no third parties involved. The kids were old enough to understand and they say they can see how much happier we are now. My ex-husband is with someone and it seems serious, I am happy for him. He was a good husband and father, and I am proud that we have managed to salvage a good relationship. I was not interested in meeting anyone as I felt I needed some time to regroup and focus on myself. When we split, we agreed to sell the family home so we could both start afresh, the house symbolised all the memories good and bad and we both agreed it was better to sell. It was also too big for our new single lives; the kids were living away and had their own lives, so we sold. I wanted to move to a more rural location, so I bought a modest house with a large garden, something I always wanted. It needed a lot of work when I moved in almost two years ago, so I found a local landscaper to do the heavy lifting. My plan was then to do the finessing or decorative aspects. And that’s how Jonathan came into my life. At first it was a very straightforward situation, he would arrive, work on the garden, I would offer him tea, water etc. As we got into summertime and real progress was being made, I was working from home and during my breaks I would wander out and chat with him. He was always friendly, funny, and chatty. He has the most beautiful blue eyes and I found him extremely attractive but given that he is fourteen years younger than me, I would dismiss those thoughts. Then the chatting and laughing turned a bit flirty and even though the garden was almost finished I started to add more jobs, so I did not have to say goodbye to him. When the final job was done, he asked me out to dinner, passing it off as a casual end of job invitation. I immediately said yes and for the last few months I have been having the time of my life. With lockdown, most of our relationship has been behind closed doors, I hate to brag but I have been having the best sex of my life too! I have only had sex with my husband before now, so I was nervous, but Jonathan is so easy to be with. I feel like I have been doing it wrong all this time because Jonathan is only focussed on my pleasure, he is a wonderful and selfless lover. The thing is, I have not told anyone, not even my best friend.  I honestly do not see a future in it, I think Jonathan is amazing, he has made me feel alive, but I am not interested in marrying again. I certainly do not plan on being a mother again, but I do not want to end it as we are having so much fun. I care about him of course and I know he cares about me. I also do not want to introduce him to my kids as I think they will freak out to be honest. Children do not want to see their parents as sexual beings, they think they invented sex! Should I end this, whatever this is, so Jonathan can meet someone who is nearer to his age and can give him the things I can’t or indeed won’t? 

Julia, Co. Wicklow

Dear Julia,

I am glad you asked me for advice, this is probably the easiest problem I have had to solve! Well, the ‘cougar rule’ is half your age plus 7 and I think you are well within the parameters! I do not mean to be flippant, what I am really asking is, why are you creating a problem when there is none? There is no indication unless you have left it out, that Jonathan wants to progress your relationship to marriage and children. Not everyone wants that. So, unless he has expressly laid that out as being in his future with you or anyone else, I really do not think you should worry about it. What I am focussing on is the most important thing here and that is you. You have come out of a bad marriage intact and your plan to regroup is going well. Jonathan is the icing on that cake, he has seen you for the amazing attractive and successful woman that you are. You should be bragging; you should be enjoying the moment. You are single and so is he, you are both consenting adults acting of your own free will, you are not hurting anyone and its really no one else’s business what you and he are doing. There is no reason for you to hide away, lockdown or no lockdown. Just let your relationship be. It will either come to a natural end or it may become more serious, either way, do not overthink it, just enjoy it. Give yourself permission to enjoy it. There are many reference points in the celebrity world for you to compare to, Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, Madonna, the list goes on. Also, the list of older men and younger women relationships is much much longer and seems to be accepted far more socially than the female/male dynamic. I am not saying this to make you feel better about you and Jonathan, I am saying this because it is the way the world turns. You only get one life, and you are living yours to the maximum. YOLO as the kids say, you only live once. I want you to focus on the here and now. If your loved ones absolutely love you, they will be happy for you and anyone that is not needs to have a word with themselves. The younger generation refuse to classify their relationships, refuting ‘labels’. I hope you continue to regroup successfully. Jonathan will help you in that process. I wish you the best.

Mel 

Over to you. What do think Julia should do? And if you have a problem for Mel then email womansway@harmonia.ie