The Self Love Habit

When you look in the mirror, what self do you see? Does the image reflect acceptance (love) or resistance (fear)? Can you look in the mirror and see beyond the immediately physical? Can you see past the lines on your face or the shape of your body? Author and mental health expert Fiona Brennan wants you to find the joy of freedom.

We are constantly looking to fix what is wrong with us, both externally and internally, and this creates a harsh, persistent message of ‘I am not good enough as I am’.

Contrast this with how a toddler looks at him or herself in the mirror; often they will gaze with curiosity, warmth and joy. They are inquisitive, not critical, and accept all of themselves effortlessly.

There is no internal critic questioning if their arms or belly look too chubby. They have not yet learned the cruel habit of self-comparison.

Next time you have the joy of being with a pre-school child, observe how comfortable they are in and with their own skin. Watch how they move their bodies like dancers, so at ease and full of grace.

You and I were both this toddler once, totally at ease and comfortable in our skin. Can you remember that feeling of freedom?

In his 1762 book The Social Contract, Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the French enlightenment philosopher, wrote, ‘Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains.’ The Christian concept of original sin and the fall of man burdens humanity with guilt and shame for disobedience and for giving in to temptation in the Garden of Eden. With this theological backdrop, what chance did the notion of self-love have? How could we love ourselves in totality if we are identified

as sinners before we can even talk?

Rousseau’s concept of the ‘noble savage’ contradicts this notion. Essentially, he states that humans are born into nature pure, innocent and good and become corrupted by ‘civilisation’ and religion. The external influences cause catastrophic disharmony within the

self and lead, over time, to becoming conditioned to loathe the more vulnerable parts of our nature. Rousseau also wrote, ‘What wisdom can you find greater than kindness?’

Imagine living free of guilt and being wisely kind and compassionate to the tender parts of yourself rather than harsh and unforgiving. When you dwell in the province of self-love, life’s greatest traumas become bearable and everyday mundanity is lifted into the sublime.

When I turned 20 , I felt like an independent, mature adult embarking on a new adventure, but at the same time I felt like a homesick child. I had moved to Paris on my own with big plans to make it as an actress. I did not know a soul in the city, had little money and only school French. As an extrovert who depended totally on social interaction, how was I to survive alone?

I craved my mother’s love in much the same way a child might on their first day of school. I yearned to return to a cocooned state of being. The threat of loneliness lingered deep in my heart and the hours, days, weeks and months stretched out ahead of me.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see clearly that in my youth I was prone to being dramatic. It was my fuel. I believed my thoughts as facts, not rumours. I did not take the time to understand my fears. I thought that all love was conditional. Such can be both the folly and innocence of youth.

Even if my mother had dropped everything and run to my rescue in my little studio, would it have been the solution? Even then I knew it would not have been, and so did she.

As we mature, the relationship between a parent and child must evolve from the original dynamic of protector and protected to one of two balanced, emotionally self-reliant individuals, equals who operate on mutual respect and who have let go of any true or

perceived pain from the past.

In my clinical work, I see many people aged 20, 30, 40 and beyond who remain stuck in old, static versions of the parent–child relationship. They are acting out their conditioned personal histories. This often leads them to be unintentionally consumed with blame and anger and they are often deeply repressed. They then unintentionally transfer this to their loved ones through guilt and irritation. For example, a person who cannot forgive an alcoholic parent

transfers their unresolved fears to their non-alcoholic partner and becomes rattled each time their partner has a drink.

Making insights through self-knowledge is imperative for your happiness and for those you love.

The Self-Love Quiz

Answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to these questions and make a note of your score out of 20. Give yourself one point for each ‘yes’ answer. Do not think about your answers. Move quickly through the questions and let your instincts guide you.

1. Can you sit peacefully in silence alone, without distractions?

2. Can you sit peacefully in silence with others?

3. Do you cope well with uncertainty?

4. Do you accept yourself just the way you are?

5. Do you feel comfortable maintaining eye contact with yourself in a mirror?

6. Do you feel at ease making eye contact with others?

7. Do you listen to your (gut and heart) instinct?

8. Do you have an inner voice that is kind to you?

9. Are you patient with yourself when learning something new or adapting to change?

10. Do you feel comfortable feeling vulnerable?

11. Do you take care of your mind and body on a daily basis?

12. Do you say no to other people if you feel tired or overwhelmed?

13. Do you value yourself?

14. Do you trust yourself to make good decisions?

15. Are you at ease with your body and physical appearance?

16. Do you feel connected to family and friends?

17. Do you let go of the hurt from the past?

18. Do you feel you have enough energy to help others?

19. Do you mainly live in the present moment?

20. Do you love yourself?

Score = /20

The higher the number of ‘yes’ answers, the more you love yourself.

However, remember that scores are neither ‘good’ nor ‘bad’, but are just a useful tool to show where you are right now. In fact, the questions that you answered ‘no’ to are the most interesting, as they provide insights into where you need to pay attention.

Fiona’s book The Self Love Habit is published by Gill and available for €14.99. For more visit thepositivehabit.com