Dear Mel...

Dear Mel,

I am hoping you can give me some advice on how to tackle a sensitive situation. Our 20-year-old daughter has a boyfriend who I am not a fan of. She started seeing him about a year ago. They went to the same primary and secondary school and his family and ours would know each other. We wouldn’t be close friends, but we would say hello if we met at the shop or mass. He comes from a good family like our own, decent, hardworking, active in the local community and GAA the usual. The issue is their son. He seems obsessed with our daughter, ever since they started going out. We have two older daughters and they both have boyfriends. I think it’s because I have something to compare the boyfriend with, I have concerns. The other boys are easy-going, friendly, and treat our daughters well. They have their moments and there has been the odd cross word and falling outs but usually all grand again within days if not hours. This boy is monosyllabic, doesn’t engage in any kind of small talk and casts a bit of a pall over company, he wouldn’t join in easily with general conversation. I haven’t worked out if he is shy or just plain rude. That aside, it's how he makes my daughter feel. She seems almost frantic in her desire to keep him happy. She has stopped wearing the cute little dresses and skirts she used to wear. She has stopped wearing makeup and the fake tan all the youngsters seem to love these days. In short, she has gone from being a glamor puss to a frump. There are nuns wearing more makeup. I put these changes down to the boyfriend. I asked her why she had stopped wearing makeup and she said he says she looks prettier without. When we had some lovely weather recently and all of us lived in shorts and vest tops, she was all covered up with a tracksuit. This is a girl who loves the sun, and I would always be lecturing her to wear factor 50 as she is so fair. When I asked her why she wasn’t baring her skin, she replied she doesn’t like her legs and other negative and completely inaccurate descriptions of her body. I don’t believe in coincidences and so I think it’s the boyfriend who is responsible for these changes. My beautiful confident outgoing daughter has changed. The boyfriend constantly calls her and texts her. I notice if she goes anywhere with her sisters which is rarer and rarer, she seems to have to account for her actions. She used to hang around with a lovely bunch of friends and I don’t see that happening. I feel he is isolating her from her family and friends. Recently, she mentioned she might move into a flat with him. I laughed thinking she was joking. She wasn’t. I asked her how she would pay for that as she is at uni and working part time in the petrol station. Her reply was he was going to pay for it. He is also at uni and works part time in the same petrol station. I feel he is controlling and dangerous for my daughter. How can I stop her from moving in with him, I think it would be a disaster for both as they are so young? I know she is an adult, but she is still my baby, and I can’t help but worry.

Jane, Cavan

Dear Jane,

I have read your letter with some alarm bells ringing and I think you are right to feel concerned. As you say, she is an adult and can do what she likes. It’s only natural you want to protect your daughter. You need to approach this situation with some sensitivity. I would start by speaking to your other daughters and asking them for their thoughts and observations. What do they think of the boyfriend? What do their boyfriends think of him? It might be worth you voicing your concerns and asking for their help. Your daughter might be more willing to listen to her sisters than you. I say that because they are her peers. You are automatically the fun blocker here. I would suggest you concentrate on how your daughter has changed, if she has a negative body image and low self-esteem, it may not be connected to her boyfriend, it may be the challenge many young girls have of transitioning to adulthood and becoming very self-conscious. Tell her she might feel better for speaking with a counsellor. There is a wonderful organisation called ‘The Shona Project’ ( www.shona.ie) who are a good source of information and support for young women. Women’s Aid have a separate website, Too Into You, designed to help young people identify and get help in this area, your daughter can take the online quiz and find out for herself perhaps (toointoyou.ie). If it is linked to the boyfriend, something needs to change.  You don’t mention if your daughter gets defensive if you are negative about him or if you are indeed openly negative about him. I'd advise caution as if she gets defensive that may make it harder to gain her trust and listen to what you advise her. You would be within your rights to point out that she is too young to cohabit even if she wanted to flat share with a girlfriend, it doesn’t make sense financially and she is too young. It would be different if she was away from home at uni. Covid has not helped the situation for your daughter though it will suit her boyfriend perfectly. She has limited access to socialising and meeting new people, making new friends, all the things a young student experiences as a matter of course. You could point out to your daughter that she should go on holiday with the boyfriend first before moving in and losing her freedom. Concentrate on all the positives she has in her life and reassure her that you would prefer she waits until she finishes uni before moving in. If you ask her sisters to support you in your efforts, I am confident that in time, your daughter will gain confidence and self esteem and she can make better decisions about her future. I wish her and you good luck.

Best wishes, Mel

Women’s Aid, womensaid.ie; 24hr National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900